The Course Of Love Never Did Run Smooth
by BlackUnicorn96
Summary: Lily is secretly in love with Remus while James is not so secretly in love with Lily; Sirius has a chrush on James and Remus might or might not fancy Sirius. Things get a bit comlicated. Non - magical AU. Warnings: m/m and mental illness; rating M because I wasn't sure
1. The Incident

**The Incident**

 **Sirius**

»Please, tell me you're joking! «, James cried after I had told him what I had just done.

»Well, not exactly. What's the big deal? The git deserves it after what he's done last time. «, I tried to defend myself. Really, I didn't even do anything wrong, _It's not like anyone's gonna die._

»For fuck's sake, do you _want_ him to get killed? «

Apparently, James disagreed. Before I had the chance to explain myself any further, James ran out of the room. I swallowed. _I didn't do anything wrong, or did I?_ I recalled the conversation I had had with my arch enemy Severus _Snivellus_ Snape.

 _»Oi, Black! Is it true? Your brother told me you've been thrown out! «_

 _»Why, Snivellus, I didn't know you cared? «_

 _»Oh I don't. Just think it's quite hilarious. Found out you're a faggot, did they? «_

 _»Fuck you, Snape! «_

 _»Touchy. «_

 _»I wouldn't grin like that if I were you. But then again, you've probably no idea of what your precious girlfriend is up to. Or does she still not let you get some? «_

 _»What the fuck are you talking about? «_

 _»Evans? She's got a date with James, you know. You should hurry if you wanna get there in time. They're meeting in the Shack. «_

 _»You bloody – if this is some kind of sick joke, I will - «_

But I never got the chance to find out what Snivellus would do, although I had a pretty good idea. Of course it had been a joke. The chances of James and Evans going on a date were about as realistic as Snape and I becoming best mates. Or the chances that my so called family welcomed me back into their inner circle. It was true, I had been thrown out at home three months ago, after my dear mother had found out I was screwing boys as well as girls. She had gone totally ballistic, screamed and shouted what a disgrace of the family I was, the biggest disappointment she had ever seen, I ought to be ashamed of myself and so on and so on. My father was different. He had always been the one who solved problems with his bare hands and usually I was the problem, so when he had stormed into my room and locked the door I hadn't been surprised. Not really. After nearly eighteen years in that house I had gotten fairly used to being beaten up, that particular day, however, had been worse than anything I had experienced thus far. The result had been two broken ribs, a broken wrist, more bruises than I could count, a slight concussion, a missing tooth and a swollen eye so I had been more or less half blind for weeks. I didn't even remember how I had gotten out of there but somehow I had managed to drag myself across half the town until I had reached the Potter Mansion, where I had collapse on the door mat and then woken up hours later in the hospital. After that, Fleamont and Euphemia Potter had taken me in and treated me like a second son. It wasn't too hard, really; James and I had known each other since prep school and after that we had been going to the same private school, much to the dislike of my parents who thought of the Potters as new – rich scum.

Completely out of breath I arrived at the river. The Shack was just on the other side of the water and the only way across was over a fallen tree. James and I knew that the tree wouldn't last much longer. It had been there for ages and the weather as well as various people climbing over it ever since had made it rotten and instable. From where I was standing I could see the dark figure of Severus Snape approaching the tree and a good hundred feet behind him was James, running like the devil himself was after him.

»Snape! «, I could hear James shouting across the lawn, but apparently Snape didn't; or, and that seemed just as likely, he chose to ignore it.

»Snape, stop! «

Snape set a first step on the trunk and I considered running as well. There was no way I could reach him before James but at least I could try and James would probably need help once he reached Snape; so I ran. I wasn't quite sure what happened next. Just when I reached the tree I could see James grasping Snape's arm, they were fighting and shouting but I couldn't make out the words, the trunk was moving dangerously and I knew what would happen next. I could literally see the wood breaking, just when James had managed to push Snape to the save ground. I let out a cry of horror and ran even faster. The current below had carried James onto a couple of rocks rising out of the water. Without even thinking twice I jumped, fighting against the tide I reached James and lifted him up, so he wouldn't drown. He seemed to be unconscious and a small stream of blood was running down his temple.

 **James**

One day that boy is going to be my death.

»Please, tell me you're joking! « I cried after Sirius had told me about his little encounter with Snivellus. True, the boy was a pain in the arse (Snape not Sirius, although…) but even he didn't deserve to drown in a river while trying to spy on his friend who wasn't even there to spy on. I didn't know what Snape had said that had caused Sirius to freak out like that but then again when Snape was concerned it never took much to push either of us over the edge.

I wasn't even really listening as Sirius tried to explain himself, all I could think of was that I should do something. I hated Snape but I didn't want to be responsible for his death and I certainly didn't want Sirius to be the one who caused it. So while running towards the woods I mentally cursed my best friend and swore to myself that he definitely would pay for this one. I had been very sympathetic the last three months but I had to draw a line somewhere, that somewhere was definitely reached now. I still remembered every detail about that night, though. That night when Sirius had shown up at our door in the middle of the night, looking like he was _this_ close to death. I think I had actually cried when I had seen my best friend looking like a zombie. We had gotten him to the hospital immediately and I had refused to sleep until the doctor could assure us that Sirius was going to be fine. Gladly, my parents hadn't needed to think twice about letting Sirius live with us. It had taken him almost all these three months until he could bring himself to actually tell me what had happened that night; I had cried again. It was just so bloody unfair. He deserved so much more than his shitty relatives with their shitty, old – fashioned traditions and morals and I wished I could do something to help him, but I couldn't. The fact that Sirius was Pansexual was no surprise for me at all. It was typical, really, and just so Sirius – ly (damn that name), it had always been 'go big or go home' and when Sirius went somewhere he always went the whole way, no regrets, no hesitations, no inhibitions. That his family wouldn't like it, was also no surprise but never would I have thought that they would nearly kill their own son for something so trivial. I –

My thoughts stopped. I could see Snape very near by the old trunk that led across the river to the Shack. The Shack wasn't actually a shack but a treehouse but for some reason everyone referred to it as 'the Shack'.

»Snape! « I called out but the other boy didn't react. Bollocks. I sped up, from the corner of my eye I thought I could see someone standing by the trees but I didn't have time to take a closer look. Snape almost reached the river now and I tried again.

»Snape, stop! «

Still no reaction.

One step on the trunk.

I was still a few feet away.

Another step.

I could practically hear the wood cracking under the weight of the body.

Finally, I reached the end of the fallen tree, Snape's head spun around when I grabbed his arm, his eyes filled with both anger and fear.

»Let go off me, Potter! «, he said.

»I will when you get off that trunk. «

»Don't tell me what to do! «

»I mean it Snape. Get. Off. That. Trunk. It's gonna break down any minute. «

»You can't scare me, Potter! «

»Oh, for fuck's sake! «

I pulled. It was risky and I had probably lost my mind for doing it but the tree had been moving disturbingly, ever since I had arrived and I really didn't want to push my luck. I pushed Snape onto the save ground and just when I intended to follow, the tree gave in. I hit the cold water and everything went black.

 **Remus**

I didn't really know what it was that woke me up. Everything was quiet and peaceful; the sun threw its rays through the window and I could feel the warmth on my face and my blanket was cuddly and comfortable. I opened my eyes and looked at a very familiar face.

»Morning, beautiful. «, said Lily, smiling at me. I blinked. It was my third week at the hospital and I slowly got used to it but waking up every morning and finding Lily sitting right next to my bed was still a pleasant surprise.

I smiled back, »Morning. «

»How do you feel today? «, she looked slightly worried as always when she asked that question. I couldn't blame her. I would be worried too if it was her laying in this bed.

»I'm…okay. «, I said after some consideration. It wasn't a lie. I really did feel okay, but seeing as it was only eight in the morning that didn't have to mean much.

»How are you? «, I asked back. I was kind of awake now and I noticed the dark circles around her eyes. »Have you slept at all? «

»I'm fine. «, she said and I knew she was lying. Lily and I knew each other for ten years now, she was my best friend and the only person that had bothered to visit me this far.

»You're not. « I decided but before I could say anything more the nurse came in, followed by Dr. Pomfrey.

»Ah, Mister Lupin, good morning. How do you feel today? «, she asked. Doctor Pomfrey was a sturdy woman with grey hair and blue eyes that managed to simultaneously look strict and warm – hearted at the same time.

»Not so bad. « I answered and endured the every – morning procedure.

»Excellent. Enjoy you breakfast and then you've got therapy at eleven. «

She left and Peter, the nurse brought in a tray with coffee, tea, orange juice and toasts. While I was nibbling my breakfast I kept my eyes on Lily. She really was beautiful; tall and skinny but with a rather athletic body. Her red hair was gleaming in the sun and her nose was covered with several freckles.

»You're not. «, I said again, continuing the conversation from earlier. Lily furrowed her brow, looking at him but then it seemed to dawn on her what I was talking about and she shook her head.

»It's nothing, really. Just didn't sleep much last night. «

I nodded. She still wasn't absolutely honest but I knew that there was no use in pushing her, if she wanted to talk, she would eventually. I looked on the clock at the wall (9:30) and decided that there was more than enough time for a shower.

»Why don't you go home and try to catch up on that sleep. I'm going to have a shower now and then I've got therapy so you would be bored here anyway. «, I said, smiling at her encouraging. Lily nodded although she didn't look to happy about my suggestion.

»You can come back later. «, I offered and eventually she gave in.

»See you later, Re. «

»See you, Lils. «

She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and left the room; I finished my breakfast and went to the shower room.

At eleven o'clock I went to Dr. Dumbledore. My therapist was a peculiar man. He was very old, with a long, silver beard and hear and loads of wrinkles. He always wore half-moon spectacles and his eyes were of bright blue colour that seemed to x – ray anyone they looked at. But despite his strangeness I was rather fond of him.

»Hello Remus. «, he greeted me from his big armchair and pointed on the sofa for me to sit down.

»Morning. «, I answered and did as I was bid.

»How did you sleep? «

»Well. «

»Good. Now, I'd like you to tell me something about your family. You still live with them don't you? «

»I do. My dad died when I was seven during a car accident. We came back from our holiday and some idiot in a lorry pulled over without seeing us and…he was dead immediately. Mum and I survived but she never got into a car after that again. My dad he was…brilliant. He was the best dad anyone could think of. Funny and clever and always there for mum and me. «

»Tell me about him. «

»He was a teacher. English and History. When I was little I used to have these nightmares and I would wake up almost every night kicking and screaming and crying and mum never quite knew how to deal with that. Dad did. Whenever it happened he would come into my room, sit down next to my bed and then he would read to me until I was asleep again. It didn't really matter what he was reading, as long as he did. «

»What kind of nightmares did you have? «

»Fire. There was always fire. «

»Did you ever have bad experience with fire? «

»No. «

»And what about your mother? «

»She…she is different. Always has been. She used to be very strict, she's a bit of a choleric person. Quite aggressive. When she gets angry she yells a lot and then she said things she doesn't mean to say. After dad died…after he had died it got even worse. I remember her crying a lot a but we never talked about it. When I was ten I came home from school and I found her sitting at the kitchen table, crying and I asked her what was wrong and she practically exploded and shouted at me, asked me what I would think was wrong and that I should use my goddam brain and I should leave her alone. I did leave her alone. I don't even know where I went but when it became dark I went to the Shack, y'know, the treehouse across the river, and I spend the night there and when I got home the next day somewhen during the late afternoon, she hadn't even noticed I'd been gone. About a year ago she met this new fella, Fenrir Greyback, he disliked me right from the beginning but she seems quite happy with him. «

»Why do you think he dislikes you? «

»Said it himself. He always tells me what a lazy bastard I am, sloppy, a waste of time and space and that I wasn't a real man because I rather stay inside, reading or doing school work than going to parties every weekend. He always makes fun of me because I'm actually quite a good student and I want to be a teacher, just like dad was and he always says that real men don't become teachers, those were only weak, pathetic poofs. At some point he found out that I actually was a poof, that kind of only made it worse. He drinks a lot and he's kind of responsible that we don't really have much money anymore. After dad died, mum lost her job. She'd been working as a secretary for the Black Cooperation law office but then she got fired and now she's working at the Hog's Head Inn as a waitress and char. «

I shivered slightly at the thought of the gloomy, dirty pub. I had only entered it once and that was definitely one time too much. I watched Dr. Dumbledore eagerly scribbling into his notepad and wondered, not for the first time, what would have been if dad was still alive. Dumbledore looked up, piercing me with his clear, blue eyes.

»Alright Remus, now, I'd like you to tell me about the day of your suicide attempt. Everything that comes to your mind, even if it might seem trivial. «

I swallowed. This was the first time that I was actually supposed to talk about _that_ day. The _incident_. I closed my eyes and the memories rushed over me.

 _It was a Saturday morning and just like all Saturday mornings this one should be lazy and comfortable and good. But it wasn't. I felt miserable. That per se wasn't so much of a surprise. I woke up every other morning feeling like utter shit for no particular reason but this Saturday morning it was worse than anything I had experienced thus far. My mobile buzzed. It was text from Lily_

 _(9:30; from: Lily E.)_

 ** _Morning. I'm so sorry, I know we wanted to meet up for lunch today but Alice just called and she's got a major crisis with Frank and I really ought to help her. I'll make it up to you though, I promise._**

 _A sudden wave of relief rushed over me, immediately followed by guilt. I really shouldn't be so happy that my best friend just cancelled our planes for today but I couldn't help it. I was always more comfortable alone at home than outside with anyone, even if it was Lily. Chattering noise from the kitchen told me that mum and Fenrir were already up but I didn't want to face them, let alone talk to them so I decided to go to the bathroom and them straight back to bed. Stopping in front of the mirror I threw a quick glance at my reflection. It was summer so I was sleeping just in my boxers and my bare chest was exposed to my eyes. I preferred winter. At least then no one would give me strange looks for wearing long – sleeved shirts. My arms as well as my chest were covered with scars. Some were thin and hardly noticeable, others were ugly and fairly obvious. I didn't even remember when I had first started cutting myself; I must have been 13 or 14 but I just couldn't stop. I saw my face screwing up in disgust and quickly turned away from the mirror, heading back to my room. Fenrir must have heard me because a minute later he stood in my doorway._

 _»Get up, you lazy shit. «, he commanded._

 _»Why? It's Saturday I don't have to do anything. «, I responded trying to not sound too cheeky._

 _»That so? Get up, now! «_

 _»Why? «_

 _»Because I say so. «, he snarled and usually that would have sufficed to make me jump up immediately but not that morning. I wasn't scared. I wasn't angry either. I didn't feel anything and it was wonderful._

 _»I don't have to do what you tell me. «, I said quietly and turned around._

 _»What was that? What did you say, you little faggot? «_

 _»Nothing. «_

 _»Thought so. Now, you've got five minutes to move your arse to the kitchen, or else…«, leaving his thread unfinished, Fenrir turned around and left my room, leaving the door open. I never went to the kitchen. Instead I just got dressed and left the house. I was walking down the street and the sun was shining down on me but I was freezing. Goosebumps un my skin. There were no people. The streets were empty as my feet carried me towards the woods. I reached the river, my eyes fixed on the treehouse on the other side. I stepped on the trunk of the fallen tree and slowly moved across it. The wood was cracking and moving, I knew that it wouldn't last much longer and that it was quite dangerous to use by now but I didn't care. Falling down and drowning in that river didn't seem like a bad option; but I didn't. I crossed the river and climbed the ladder up to the Shack. I remembered how dad and I had built it. It had been a few months before the accident and every time I came back here I could still see us driving nails into the wood and carrying blankets and cushions across the river. Now, over ten years later I was sitting in my favourite spot, looking down on the water, silent tiers were running down my cheeks the numbness from before was gone. I felt like screaming but no sound escaped my lips, I was burning up inside, my skin freezing, I was suffocating but all I could do was sitting there alive. What for? My hand wandered down to my pocket, sliding inside and closing up around the handle of my knife._

 _I closed my eyes._

 _Breath in._

 _My hand pulled the knife out of the pocket._

 _Breath out._

 _I opened my eyes._

 _Breath in._

 _My eyes fell upon the knife in my hand._

 _Breath out._

 _I knew what I had to do._

 _My hands where shivering ever so slightly as I unlocked my mobile phone, however, when I started recording the voice massage my voice was firm and certain._

 _'_ _Hey Lils, when you hear this it will probably be too late. You know me, I'm no good at this kind of stuff. Good byes. But I owe this to you because you are the best person in my whole bloody life, the only one that was always really there for me, the only one I could trust and I can only apologize for letting you down but I don't have another choice. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. Lily, so tired. One minute everything is okay and I can stand in the middle of the street or be with you and I laugh at the jokes you tell me and then it hits me and I choke on that laugher because it is just so wrong and everything around me is caving in, crashing like a card house and I can't stop it…I can't stop it and I don't want to be strong any longer. I give up. I'm sorry.'_

 _Breath in._

 _A dull 'phlop' told me that the mobile dropped to the ground._

 _Breath out._

 _I raised the knife._

 _Breath in._

 _The blade touched my skin. A soft kiss. A gentle stroke._

 _Breath out._

 _Blood dripping down my arm._

 _Breath in._

 _I smile._

 _Breath out._

 _I'm sorry._

After I finished recalling that fatal day I realised that I had been crying. Hot tears were running down my face and I felt empty. It was a different kind of empty than what I was used to; comforting and tiring. Dr. Dumbledore told me that the session was over and that I might want to consider getting some sleep. I couldn't agree more and was only too happy to be back in my bed.


	2. HateLove

**HateLove**

 **Lily**

It had been three bloody weeks now and I still wasn't over the shock of that voice massage.

Alice had spent Friday night at mine, crying a lot because she had been fighting with Frank over something stupid like washing dishes or paying bills. I didn't even remember anymore because it was all in a blur. She had asked me to keep her company on Saturday and I agreed because she really did seem upset and I thought that I could have lunch with Remus any time. But around 12 o'clock Frank had called and apologized and Alice was only too happy to return home and I was looking forward to seeing Remus. It was stupid, really, Remus was as gay as a rainbow – farting – unicorn but there was just something about him…something that made my knees wobbly and my head buzzing. We had known each other for ages now and I trusted Remus with my life. He, Severus and I used to be the three musketeers back in school, it was us against the rest of the world, only that Severus, at some point, decided he wanted to be part of that rest. We were still quite close but Remus and Severus did their best to avoid each other; I never found out why.

I had gone to Remus' house because I had wanted to surprise him but the only thing I could find there was a very furious, very drunk Fenrir Greyback that had shouted at me, that if I should find Remus I should tell him to 'brace himself for a good beating'. I had tried to get away from there as fast as possible, checking my phone I had seen that Remus had actually send me a message. I had been standing on the pavement, the sun shining down on me and then I had heard his voice and I had known, I had just known, that something had been wrong. He had sounded so calm and tired but even as I had listened to the massage my mind had refused to take it in. It couldn't be true. Sure, I had known that Remus had been somewhat depressed since we were twelve and worrying about his well-being had become my daily routine but _this_. It just couldn't be true. Nevertheless, of course I had known where Remus had gone. We had spent so many hours in the Shack that it had practically become our second home during summers. I didn't really remember how I had gotten there and I certainly didn't remember actually calling the ambulance but ten minutes later I had been sitting next to my best friend in the car on our way to the hospital.

That had been three weeks ago and I still couldn't believe it.

My mobile phone rang, one quick glance on the screen told me that it was Severus.

»Hey Sev. What's up? «

 _»Hey Lily, not much. That twat of a Potter and his friend were trying to pull another prank today. How are you? «_

»What d'you mean? What did they do? «, I frowned. James bloody Potter and Sirius Black. The nightmares of my childhood. Since they were both the sons of rich families they had gone to the local Private School, which was, unfortunately next to the Hogwarts High School which Remus, Severus and I had attended and although we were not allowed to enter the other school's ground. Potter and Black had never been the kind of people to follow rules which meant that they had been common guests at our school, usually to bully Severus.

 _»Oh, apparently they thought it would be pretty funny to lure me across the river and then make me fall into it. «_

»What? Are you okay? «

 _»I'm fine, But you haven't answered my question. How are you? «_

»I'm fine. I – No. No, actually, I'm not. I will be, though. «

 _»What's wrong? Where are you? «_

There was something in Severus voice that made me tense up. He had always been protective over me but now he seemed right of scared.

»At the hospital - «, I started, but Severus cut me off.

 _»What? Why? Are you okay? Did something happen? «_

»You could say that, yes. I'm fine though. It's Rem that I'm worried about. «

 _»Remus. Right. «_ , Severus voice sounded a bit put off now and I wondered once again what it was that had happened between them. _»What is it with that boy. You know he's gay, don't you? «_

»He's my friend. I'm allowed to be worried about him when he's lying in the flaming hospital. «

 _»Course you are. I'm just saying, that you are about to get really hurt if you don't stop pining after that guy. «_

»Pining? I'm not pining after anyone. Really, what is wrong with you? «, I was really angry now. What the hell was he thinking?

 _»With me? There's nothing wrong with me. But you should maybe consider to open your eyes. You are so fixed on Lupin, you don't see what is right in front of you! «_

»What? Sev what are you – Sev? Sev? «, but the line was dead. Severus had hung up and I was left behind feeling utterly confused. Just what did he mean by that? What was 'right in front of me'? Surely he couldn't mean himself. I laughed at the thought of it. It was ridiculous, really, I had known Severus just as long as I had known Remus and we had always been friends, but that was it. But then again, wasn't I pathetically in love with Remus, although I knew that he would never see me as more than a friend? I swallowed and quickly pushed the thought away. I had other things to do. A quick call to Alice made sure that Remus would get new visitors today because as I realised I had not told anybody about what had happened yet. Not even my parents.

 **Sirius**

I sat on a chair next to James' bed and watched his face. My clothes were still damp and my hair was a mess but I couldn't bring myself to care. This was my fault. How could I have been so stupid? If James had died…I forced myself to actually allow that thought for a second; if he had died it would have been my fault. And what would James' parents say once they found out? The call I had made earlier was bad enough. The Potters were currently on Gibraltar to visit Euphemia's family and once they had heard what had happened they had wanted to return immediately but somehow I had managed to talk them out of it again. This was their first holiday since years and they really deserved it. Fleamont Potter was a successful estate agent and his wife a bank manager which meant that they had quite a lot of money but it also meant that they had to work an awful lot.

James moved a bit. His breath was steady and the doctor had assured me that he was going to wake up soon. I swallowed hard. James' hair fell into his face and I had to resist the urge to draw it back, to touch his warm skin. Suddenly, I realized that I stared into a pair of brown eyes.

I smiled, »Hey you. You got me a bit a worried there for a second, mate. «

James smiled back, »I'm glad. You're a real idiot, d'you know that? «

I felt my heart skip a beat. »Yeah, but I'm still your idiot. «

James snorted and rolled his eyes. »What happened? «, he asked. »Is Snape -? «

»Snape's fine. You saved his bloody arse. «

»I did? «, James asked and I gave him a nod. »Wow. That is embarrassing. «, he finally decided.

»It is. «, I responded. »How do you feel? «

»Like I've nearly drowned in the damn river. «

The door opened and the doctor came in, closely followed by a nurse.

»Ah, Mr. Potter. It's good to see you safe and sound. «, she announced, then looked at me. »Mr. Black, I thought we agreed that we wouldn't see each other for the rest of the year. It's barely been three months now. «

I put on my most charming smile, »But Poppy, I really did miss you. «

Slightly blushing, Poppy Pomfrey turned back to James, »I really don't know how you always manage to get yourself into such situations, needless to say that you have been very lucky this time. That is why I'd like to keep you here for a few days. «, then she turned to the nurse. »Peter, please be so kind and get Mr. Potter a set of towels and I think the usual treatment should be sufficient. «, the boy she had spoken to nodded and left the room. Somehow I felt like I had seen his face before but I couldn't quite place it. The doctor had moved to the next bed by now. The boy lying at the window had been asleep the whole time but now he was awake, watching them.

»Remus, dear, I am sorry but this was the only vacant bed. How do you feel? «

»'m fine. «, I heard the boy respond, »And I don't mind, really. «

»If you say so. «, Dr. Pomfrey said but she didn't sound convinced. »Well maybe a bit of company does you good. Although Miss Evans has been here nearly every day, she can't always be with you, can she? Which reminds me, there some visitors for you. Do you want me to send them in? «

»Who is it? «, the boy named Remus asked. His voice was a mixture of scepticism and hope. Dr. Pomfrey seemed to throw a quick glance at her notes, before answering. »Alice Prince and Frank Longbottom. «

Remus confirmed that, yes he wanted to see them and I looked back at James who was watching me and I found myself once again lost in those brown eyes.

»You okay mate? «, he asked me. Shit. I must have made a funny face because James looked seriously concerned now. I stood up, quickly thinking of an excuse to leave.

»I'm fine. «, I said. »But I think I will just go home and get a few clothes for you and well, I could do with a shower and fresh clothes as well. «. I gestured towards myself and James grinned devilish.

»You look like shit. «, he said and I smirked back.

»So do you. «

That was a lie. Even at his worst, James looked better than anything I knew and I never got tired of watching him; especially when he had no idea he was being watched.

With a last glance towards the window I left the room. Remus. Again I had the feeling that I should know the boy but again I didn't know why.

 **Remus**

When I had woken up I had been quite confused to hear voices. Then my eyes had fallen on a boy about my age, sitting on the chair next to the other bed. I knew that boy but only when Dr. Pomfrey had come in and addressed him as 'Mr. Black', I remembered. Of course. Sirius Black, the nightmare of all teachers of Hogwarts High, and that although Sirius wasn't even a student of the school. I had never had a real problem with him and his friend James Potter who, apparently, was lying in the bed right next to me now. But Lily and Severus had always complained about the two boys for being a pair of obnoxious, arrogant bullies.

I was interrupted in my thoughts when the door opened and Frank and Alive walked in, smiling at me.

»Oh god, I'm so sorry darling. We should have come earlier but I swear I had no idea. Lily only just told us what happened. «, Alice said and I could see how guilty she felt. I tried to smile at her to make her feel better.

»It's fine. Lily practically lived here the last three weeks. She must have forgotten. «

»So she said. «, Frank muttered. He looked a bit uncomfortable. I couldn't blame him. »How are you, mate? «. I shrugged. Alice and Frank were my friends but I wasn't sure whether I could actually talk about myself already. »Could we maybe talk about something else? « I asked and the two seemed quite relieved with that suggestion.

 **Lily**

It was lunchtime when I opened the door. My parents were at work or at least they should have been.

»Would you come into the kitchen for a moment, love? «, I heard the voice of my mother. When I entered the small room I saw mum and dad sitting at the kitchen table, looking at me in concern.

»Sit down. «, my dad said in a low, calm voice.

»We'd like to speak with you, because, see - «, mum began but she didn't seem sure of what to say. »We're worried. «.

I nodded. What was I supposed to response to that? I knew that they were worried. I had hardly been home since the incident and of course they had noticed. We all sat in silence for a moment, then I took a deep breath. »It's Remus. «, I said finally. »He's in hospital. «

My parents exchanged a look. They certainly hadn't expected that.

»I'm so sorry darling. What is it? Is he okay? «

I shrugged and then nodded. »He will be. «. I felt a single tear slowly running down my cheek. I held my eyes fixed on the table, trying not to cry.

»Do you – do you want to talk about it? «, dad asked and the undertone in his voice caused me to look up.

»He tried to kill himself. «, I managed to say and then my walls broke down. For three weeks I had managed to stand upright. For three weeks I could laugh and smile and say that everything was fine. For three weeks I had managed to not think of it. Now I did. I could feel a strong hand on my shoulder and without even thinking about it, I fell into my father's arms; pressing myself against his shoulder.

»Hush, it's gonna be fine. D'you hear me? It's gonna be fine. «

I had no idea how long we sat like that in the kitchen but it felt good. Actually saying out lout and telling my parents about felt good. I had always had a close relationship to them. My mum was an artist and usually working at home and dad worked as the caretaker of Hogwarts High, which meant that we were living more or less on the school grounds. My parents had also always liked Remus. Because of the situation at Remus' home he spent a lot of time at ours and had started years ago to address my parents with their first names. With Severus it was a bit different. When we had been eleven, he had been extremely shy but my parents liked him nevertheless. When we had gotten older, Severus had started hanging out with new people. I didn't really know any of them and I had never asked him ether but my parents had the opinion that those new people were bad company and hence were a bit suspicious towards Severus whenever they met him. Severus. The thought of him reminded me of the conversation we had had earlier and I decided to think of something else.

At about 3 o'clock I decided that it was time to go back to the hospital. I got off the bus and while crossing the street I heard the enormous noise of a motorbike. I turned around just in time to jump out of the way so it wouldn't hit me.

»Oi, you! Watch out next time! «, I shouted after him but I doubted that he had actually heard me. The driver parked his machine in front of the hospital, took off his helmet and turned around, smiling charmingly.

»I really do apologize my love but this is still a road and I'm fully permitted to use it. «, he said and went towards the entrance. He was quite short, his hair was long and pitch – black, he wore a black leather jacket, incredibly tight, black jeans and black Doc Martens and he was very, very handsome. I hated him. Sirius Black. What the hell was he doing here?

Angrily, I followed him inside, went straightway to Remus' room and nearly screamed out loud when I opened the door. But only nearly. Lying in the bed near the door lay James Potter, sitting next to him on the chair, Sirius Black who looked at me with a smug grin. I shot them both a deadly glare and crossed the room to give Remus a kiss on the cheek. He looked better than he had looked in the last three weeks.

»Hey you. « I greeted, smiling.

»Hey back. «, he said. »Alice and Frank have just left. «. He informed me and I apologized for forgetting to tell people. »It's fine. I'm actually quite glad you didn't. This way I had a bit time to think things over and it's not like I've been completely alone. I had you. «, he added with a smile and I couldn't help but blush. I sat with my back turned to the other bad but that didn't prevent me from overhearing the conversation of the two boys.

»Is that - «

»Yes James that's her. And now stop nagging or I'm going to leave again. «

I must have made an angry face because I could feel Remus' hand on my arm.

»You okay? «, he asked in a low voice.

»Doesn't that bother you? « I asked, pointing over my shoulder.

»Not really. «

I snorted and Remus gave me a strange look. »Look, «, he said. »I know you don't like them because of what happened at school but can't you just ignore them? It's not like you have to talk to them, is it? «

»It's not that. «, I started to explain. »It's - «, but I never got to say what it was because suddenly one of the boys raised his voice.

»I'm not going to apologise to Snivellus. Why should I? «. _That's it_. _Bloody Potter_ , I thought. He had always been the one to start. I got to my feet and spun around glaring at the boy in the bed.

»You! Are you happy now? Wasn't it enough to make Severus life hell when we went to school? Do you want to kill him now? «, I shouted and saw with a bit of mean satisfaction, that Potter looked at me horrified.

»I – I – It's not - «, he stammered. »It wasn't like that. I - «

»I don't give a shit what it was like! You almost got him killed and if you don't stay away from him in the future you're really going to regret it. « I was a bit surprised by my own language but I really didn't care at the moment. I turned back to Remus. »I'm so sorry love, I need to go. «

 **James**

Remus looked at us in a quite bewildered way after Lily had stormed out. It was weird seeing her again like this but I couldn't say that I was unhappy about it. She was by far the most beautiful person I knew and I had had an on - off - crush on her since we were eleven but for some reason she had always hated my guts.

»Seriously? «, Remus asked, seemingly having collected himself again. »I mean you never bothered me at school but that does seem a bit over the top, doesn't it? «

He didn't sound angry; more disappointed and annoyed, which I found a bit strange since we didn't know each other. Nevertheless, I felt like I owed him an explanation but before I could even open my mouth, Sirius had already answered.

»It wasn't him. « he said very quiet. »I was the one that send Snape to the Shack, James saved him. «

»The Shack? «, Remus voice sounded terrified now. I really wondered why.

»Yeah, the treehouse across the - «, Sirius started but was cut off by Remus.

»I know what the Shack is. I just didn't realise that other people went there as well. «. He seemed lost in thoughts and I had the feeling that it wasn't exactly nice thoughts so I decided to distract him a bit.

»Hey, weren't you friends with Snape at school? «, I asked.

Remus looked at me in surprise but nodded. »Yes, we used to be friends. «, he answered.

»But not anymore? «, I asked.

»No. Not anymore. «, the other boy chewed on his lips as if he was considering whether he wanted to tell us more or not; I let him consider and then he started again. »It used to be Lily, Sev and I. We were inseparable but then - «, he hesitated. »But then something happened and Sev started hanging out with other people, you know, the kind of people we always tried to avoid. He and Lils are still friends, though. «

»But not you. «

»No. But not me. «

We talked a bit more and I found out that Remus wanted to become a teacher, he was a vegetarian and had a liking for chocolate and good weed. In return, Sirius and I told him about the pranks we had played thus far and Sirius raved over his motorbike for what it seemed to be hours. Eventually Peter, the nurse, came in to bring us dinner. I had had the feeling that I should know him as well and suddenly I remembered.

»Oi, Peter. Didn't you go to St. Godric with us? «

Peter blushed. »Er, yeah. I did but I kind of got chucked out. «

»What? «, Sirius and I asked in disbelieve. »How'd you manage that? Did you sleep with the headmistress' daughter? «, I asked jokingly and almost choked on my peas when Peter's face turned even darker. »Christ, tell me you didn't! Mate, everyone knew that Linda McGonagall was not to be touched! «

»Yeah, well. «, Peter said, obviously feeling very uncomfortable so I decided to let it go.

»Anyway, you gotta go back to work or can you stay a bit? «

»My shift was over fifteen minutes ago. «, Peter answered after a look at his phone, then he looked up, frowning. »Why? «

»You could stay if you want to. We were just chatting a bit. «

Peter smiled and said that he would just get changed. Ten minutes later he came back, now dressed in jogging pants and a washed out, greyish t – shirt. Peter was funny. A bit dense though but funny. He told us that he lived with his girlfriend Marlene and another girl named Dorcas and that he originally hadn't even wanted to become a nurse, »But now that I am I can't imagine doing anything else. «, he explained.

From that day on we all became somewhat friends. Lily come back the next day but apparently she had come to the decision that it was best to ignore me and Sirius, but obviously, that didn't keep me from trying to talk to her, much to hers and Sirius' annoyance. On Saturday, Remus and I were just engaged in a heated discussion about the finer autonomy of a perfect burger, when Sirius rushed in. »Prongs! Light of my life! My one and only, true love! «, he declared as he set himself down on the chair. »It happened Prongs. My life has finally come to an end! «.

I frowned. During ten years of friendship with Sirius Black I had gotten fairly used to his moods but that didn't mean I didn't still get confused sometimes. »What is it, Pads? Did you find a grey hair? «,.

»Don't you dare make jokes about that! I'm serious. «

»'Course you are. «, I responded with a grin. He hated it when anyone apart from him made that joke. »So, what happened? «

»Nope. «, Sirius said, pouting. »I'm not telling you anymore. My heart is forever broken. «

I shrugged and turned back to Remus who looked at us in sheer confusion. »Why did you call him Prongs? «

»Because, my dear Remus. «, Sirius started. »I'm a genius. «

I groaned and rolled my eyes. Amused I saw Remus trying hard to fight back a smile. I really liked the boy; he was quite but very nice and dead smart.

»I'm sure you are Sirius but that doesn't exactly answer my question. «, Remus said.

»Well, we must have been – what? Eleven? Twelve? – Anyway, it was summer and awfully hot and I was bored so I decided to prank Jamsie here and put nails on his chair and he sat down and then he jumped up again and shouted 'You pronged me, you twat!' and from that day on he was also known as 'James, the boy that got pronged'. «, Sirius proudly finished his little story and I saw that Remus really had a hard time now, hiding his laugher.

»You forgetting something there, mate. «, I said, determined to pay him back for that embarrassment. »Remember a week later? When you stepped into the dog – poo? That's how he got his nickname. Padfoot. « Sirius glared at me but didn't get the opportunity to respond something because in that moment the door opened and my parents walked in.

They had just come back from Gibraltar, feeling terribly guilty now because they hadn't returned earlier and it took me almost an hour to convince them that there was nothing to feel guilty about. Then, Dr. Pomfrey came in, »Mr. Potter, now that I can be sure that you will not be at home unsupervised, you are free to go. «, I refrained from pointing out to her that I wouldn't have been alone with Sirius and instead thanked her.

Half an hour later I was ready to leave the hospital. I gave Remus my mobile number so we could stay touch, he still hadn't told us why he was here but I knew better than to pry. For now, I was just happy that I would finally return home again.

 **Lily**

It had been bad enough to be forced to spend time with Potter in the same room for almost a week but this really topped anything! Since I was sixteen I had been working in a little book shop called 'Flourish and Blots'; it was a nice shop and nice work and the people that usually came in here were mostly regular customers. However, when I had come from the backroom five minutes ago, my first thought had been that I must be dreaming. A very horrible dream that is. James bloody Potter stood in front of one of the shelfs and when I cleared my throat to ask what the hell he was doing here he had smiled at me, his charming – Potter – smile that gave me a burning desire to slap him in the face.

»Hello beautiful. «, He said and I was sure that my face turned deep red.

»What are you doing here? How the hell do you even know where I'm working? «

»I've got my sources and I'm here to talk you, what else? «

»Bugger off. I'm working. «, I snapped at him and turned around, hoping that he would leave.

»Will you go out with me? «, I registarted the hand on my arm before I actually heard his question. I spun around and did what I had wanted to do for so long now; I slapped him right in the face. »Don't you dare touch me again, Potter! «

»Is that a no then? «, Potter ask innocently. _Is that boy even real?!_ I wondered but I didn't bother to actually answer his question. Instead I just glared at him and he shrugged. »See you Evans. It was nice talking to you. «. With that he left and I really began to doubt his sanity.


	3. Finding Home

**Finding home**

 **Sirius**

I was lying on James' bed and pretending to listen to his babbling over Evans. From what I had gathered, he had gone to the little book shop where she was working to ask her out and she had slapped him. »Like a bloody fury! It was brilliant! «, he announced and I just nodded. It was weird listening to his swarming, I could feel my stomach tighten and I was sure that I was going to be sick if he didn't stop. Right in that moment, my mobile buzzed.

(13:25; from: unknown)

Hello this is Remus. I hope I'm not bothering you it's just that I'm bored to death and I could do with a little distraction. It's so quite here without you lot.

I smiled at the massage. I liked Remus, he was smart and quite good looking and I had the feeling that we could be good friends.

(13:26; to: Remus)

hey u. ur not bothering im just listening to james rantings over evans and i know the feeling ;) how much longer do u have 2 stay there?

(13:26; from: Remus)

Just a few more days. Pomfrey said that I might as well go back home and just come in for my therapy sessions.

Therapy? He never mentioned that, did he?

(13:26; to: Remus)

that doesnt sound too bad. therapy tho?

I waited. James was still talking and didn't even seem to realise that I wasn't listening. _Just what exactly happened to Remus?_ I wondered, when I finally got an answer.

(13:28; from: Remus)

Shit. Yeah, I kind of need it. I'm sorry but I'd rather not talk about it.

(13:28; to: Remus)

no need to be sorry mate. Do u want me to come and visit u some time?

(13:28; from: Remus)

If you want to. You really don't have to, I mean, I'll be fine.

(13:29; to: Remus)

sure i dont have to but maybe i want to ;)

(13:29; from: Remus)

Really now? And why would that be? ;)

(13:29; to: Remus)

why dont you find out? ;) is tomorrow ok? 3 p.m.?

(13:29; from: Remus)

Sounds good to me. See you tomorrow then.

»Are you even listening to what I've been saying? «, I heard James' voice from across the room. I looked up from my phone and nodded.

»Of course my love, Lily is a bloody fury and you love her because she slapped you. It's a bit masochistic, don't you think? «

James frowned. »She's just playing hard to get. «

»I'm sure she is Prongsie. I'm sure she is. «

 **Remus**

It felt weird; only a few hours till I would return back home but I really didn't feel like it. I had been in hospital for a month and not once had I heard from mum, let alone from Fenrir. It was the middle of the night, maybe 2 or 3 in the morning but I was wide awake because my mind just didn't let me sleep. I was used to that, although I had been sleeping better lately.; especially when James had been with me. Against all expectation I had really enjoyed the company and James seemed nice, no matter what Lily said. She was still angry with him although I had tried to tell her multiple times that James Potter was not the one who pushed Severus into the river; every time I started to mention it though, she got furious. It was quite clear that James had a huge crush on Lily, what I did not understand was how Lily could not see this _._

 _Speaking of crushes_ , every now and then I caught myself thinking of Sirius. His stormy, grey eyes and the smooth, long hair, and that laugher; like a barking dog. Sirius had spent quite a lot of time at the hospital during the last week. Sometimes, James had come with him but mostly it had just been Sirius and I and I really couldn't deny any longer that I was somewhat smitten. I found myself smiling into the darkness and mentally slapped myself. _You really need to stop this Lupin._

I still hadn't slept when the sun began shining through the window and it must have showed because Dr. Pomfrey looked at me quite concerned when she came into the room.

»Good morning, Remus. So, are you ready to go? «, I nodded, unable to actually say something. On the one hand I was quite glad that I didn't have to stay any longer, on the other hand I felt slightly nervous about returning home. What would mum say? »Your friend is here to pick you up. «, Dr. Pomfrey said as she left the room again. I frowned. My friend? What friend? I knew for a fact that it wasn't Lily because, she was currently in Germany, visiting some distant relative.

»You coming or what? «, a familiar voice called from outside the door and a second later, Sirius poked his head through the door. I couldn't help but smile; that really was unexpected; I told him so and he only smiled back and winked – _winked –_ at me, telling me to move my arse outside. I did as I was told and there in the sun, waiting for me, stood Sirius' motorbike, with an incredibly sexy Sirius sitting on it.

»What do you think you're doing? «, I asked, rather unsure of what _I_ was doing.

Sirius smiled at me. »Why, I thought I was giving you a lift. «

»Yeah, but why? «

»Stop asking questions and get on the bike. «

Sirius was a good driver. I would have expected him to be reckless or to at least ignore the speed limits but no such thing; it almost seemed like he actually wanted me to get home in one piece. Unfortunately, we did. When Sirius stopped the machine in front of the small house my mum and I lived in I realised just how much I had dreaded this moment. My hands were sweaty and shaking and I felt sick. Suddenly, Sirius' hand lay on my shoulder, gently pressing it; I turned my head to look at him and saw him smiling at me. It was an honest smile. The kind of smile that made your heart melt. The kind of smile that promised you that everything would turn out well. I believed him. Taking a deep breath, I stepped forward but stopped once again.

»Could you - «, I hesitated. I felt ashamed to ask but at the same time I knew I had to. »Could you maybe wait here for a bit? If I don't come out again within the next ten minutes you can go but...«, my voice failed. Anxiously I looked at Sirius; I had expected him to look confused or amused but he was still smiling and he looked at me as if he understood.

»I can do that. «, he answered in a soft voice. »Or I could come in with you. You don't have to do this alone, whatever it is. « I was unable to answer but it turned out I didn't have to because now it was Sirius approaching the door. I unlocked it and we stepped inside. There was no sound expect the television in the living room.

»Mum? «

More noise from the living room. There were feet slurping over the floor. The door opened and a very angry, very drunk Fenrir came into the corridor, followed by the smell of cigarettes and beer.

»Now, if that is not the little bastard himself. A shame, really. I was hoping you would try again and off yourself for good. «, I could hear Sirius drawing in his breath next to me and I closed my eyes for a second, trying to keep control. There was a reason why I hadn't told them about me.

»Where's mum? «, I asked eventually.

»Send her on holiday when the hospital called. Really didn't want to upset her, did I? «

»She doesn't know? « I asked in sheer disbelieve. » I was in hospital for almost a month and she doesn't know? «

»Since it was you that put you there in the first place, I reckoned that that was not necessary. «

I blinked. I should have expected it. I really should have but –

»Who's your boyfriend then? Too scared to come here alone, were you? «

Neither of us answered. _Slap._ I heard his fist hitting my face before I could actually feel it, let alone comprehend what had just happened.

»I asked you a question you worthless shit! «

»Alright, that's enough! «, Sirius stepped forward, glaring at Fenrir in outrage. »You will back off, now. Remus is leaving again and if I ever hear that you bother him again you will regret it! «. Fenrir stood there as if he didn't understand what Sirius was saying to him and then he started laughing. I could feel Sirius hand on my shoulder again, slowly pulling me backwards but I didn't need his help to know what had to happen next. Without looking back, I turned around and left the house again, trying not to think. Sirius and I got on the motorbike again and he started driving; I had no idea where to but I honestly didn't care. I was too caught up in fighting the numbness that had started to crawl up on me again.

Breath in.

Breath out.

Breath in.

Breath out.

 **Sirius**

I really had no idea what had driven me to pick Remus up from the hospital but now I was quite glad that I did. Fenrir Greyback. I knew that man. He used to work for my parents and I had always disliked him but now seeing him like that, drunk and so utterly pathetic, bullying and hitting Remus, that dislike had turned into pure hatred. We were just driving along the river, when I could feel Remus tensing up behind me. It had been a shock to hear that he had tried to kill himself and I was sure Fenrir's remarks hadn't exactly made things better. I pulled over to the roadside, shut the motor off and turned around to look at Remus. It was hard to make out through the helmet but he seemed to have his eyes closed, breathing hard, his body shaking ever so slightly. I took off his helmet and he opened his eyes. The other boy looked at me in confusion like he had just realised that we had stopped.

»Are you okay? «, it was a stupid question. Of course he was not okay but I didn't know what else to say. Remus opened his mouth to answer, then shut it again and opened it. »Y – No. No I'm not okay. «, he turned his head to avoid my eyes. His gaze fell upon a spot far across the river and his eyes widened. I followed them and saw that I had stopped near the Shack. I looked back at Remus and something inside my mind clicked.

»Is that – I mean – Is that where you tried to…you know? «

Remus nodded, still not meeting my eyes.

»Come on. «, I said in an attempt to get his attention back from whatever dark place it was right now.

»Where are you taking me? «, his voice was low and rough and I would have nearly missed it.

»James. If that's okay with you. «

»Yeah. Yeah that's fine. I'm fine. « it sounded like something he had learned by heart a long time ago, like he was so used to saying it, he didn't have to pay attention to it anymore; his voice lacked every emotion and it made me incredibly sad. I was just about to put the helmet back on Remus head, when he spoke again.

»Sirius? «

»Hmph? «

»Thank you. «

»You're welcome. «

This time he did meet my eyes. Brown eyes, just like James' and yet...I swallowed hard and forced myself to continue in my motions. It was strange. Ever since I met Remus I couldn't stop thinking about him. I was used to James being constantly on my mind, but somehow, this was different. _Great,_ I thought, _from one crush to another. Sirius Black, you really are pathetic._

 **James**

It was about 11 a.m. when I heard Sirius' motorbike in the driveway. I didn't really understand why he had wanted to bring Remus home but then again, Sirius was strange like that. I had learned not to question him, years ago. But really, sometimes I just couldn't work him out; since we were 16 he used to have one one - night stand after another but I couldn't remember him ever being in a relationship and sometimes, just sometimes, I had that strange and unnerving suspicion that he had a bit of a crush on me. It was the little things; things that would remain totally unnoticed if you didn't know Sirius, but I knew him and it made me wonder. The door downstairs opened. Footsteps rushing through the hall, voices, then I heard my mother calling my name.

»James! Would you come down please? «. I sighed but did as I was told. Walking down the stairs I frowned; there were more voices than there should have been, something was wrong, something was really, really –

I entered the hall and stopped. Sirius was standing in the middle of the room, one arm wrapped around a wretched looking Remus, my dad stood in the door leading to the living room, looking rather concerned and I could hear my mum fussing in the kitchen.

»Sirius? « I asked. »What's happened? «

»It's Remus. He cannot stay there any longer. «, he said, shooting me a meaningful look, his voice urging. I didn't even need to ask where 'there' was; seeing as he had wanted to make sure that Remus got home safely and that they were both here now told me everything I needed to know. Finally, my mother rushed back in, a tray with tea and biscuits in her hands.

»Come on you lot, let's move this somewhere more comfortable. «, she said and went into the living room. We all sat down and drank our tea in silence for a moment. Remus seemed to recover because he started shifting around uncomfortably.

»Listen, Mrs. Potter - «

»That's Euphemia for you, love. «

»Right. I'm really sorry for this. «

»There's nothing to be sorry about. You can stay here for as long as you want. «, she smiled at him in that warming, motherly way and I felt incredibly grateful and proud to be calling myself her son.

»That's right mate. I don't even need to know what happened. If Sirius says that you cannot stay there any longer, you cannot stay there any longer. «, I said. It was as simple as that and I trusted Sirius on that matter because he knew what he was talking about. Remus seemed to be fighting back tears and I decided that it would be best to let it rest for now. We talked some more and during that I watched Sirius carefully. Ever since they had entered the house, Sirius hadn't left Remus' side even once and I found myself strangely jealous. Wait. Jealous? What would I be jealous of? I shook the thought off and concentrated on the conversation at hand but was once again distracted. This time it was my phone.

(11:30; from: unknown)

Hullo, this is Peter, the nurse, i was wondering if you guys have plans for 2night?

(11:30; to: Peter)

Hi Peter the nurse. No, not yet.

(11:30; from: Peter)

You do now. Theres that rly nice pub called toms tavern. Wanna come?

(11:31; to: Peter)

K. can remus come?

(11:31; from: Peter)

Sure. 7?

(11:31; to: Peter)

7\. c u

A little time later I found myself with Sirius and Remus in my room. Remus had just told me what had happened and I could perfectly understand why Sirius had come to the conclusion that he had to get out of there. The most upsetting fact was, that Remus had actually tried to kill himself. I couldn't understand it. It made absolutely no sense to me and it felt wrong. I didn't say any of that because I also felt sorry for Remus and I liked him and the last thing I wanted to do was hurting him by some cruelty.

»Thank you again. For everything. «, Remus whispered but I shrugged it off, »It's nothing. «.

Sirius looked thoughtful. Our eyes met and I had a feeling that he was about to tell his story, just to make Remus feel better. _It's your choice,_ I tried to tell him with my look. He chewed on his lower lip and eventually took a deep breath.

»I know how you feel. «, he started and caused Remus to look up. »About three months ago I ran away from home as well, or more precisely from that house I used to call my home. It never was. Not really. My - «, he hesitated. I knew, he was about to talk about his parents. »My parents were – are – not really nice people. They are awfully ignorant and old – fashioned and I was never the perfect son they wanted me to be. Not like my brother. Reg was always their little sunshine. When I was ten I became friends with James and I think that was the first time I openly disobeyed my parents' orders. I got locked up on the attic for a week because of that and after that, well, I never liked their rules and I made sure that they knew and the more they beat me, the more they hated me the more I actually enjoyed breaking them. Being myself. When I was sixteen, I found out that I was Pansexual and I knew, that would be it. I knew that, if they found out, I was a dead man, so I made sure they wouldn't find out. I was engaged to one of my cousins, Bellatrix, and I was supposed to marry her once I was eighteen. Well, needless to say that it never came to that. In April then, my dear mother found some magazines in my room, hell knows what she was doing in there, probably looking for a reason to throw me out. Well, she found it and it was probably one of the worst moments of my life. She didn't just get angry, no, she got angry when I didn't get a straight A in every class, when she found out I was smoking or that I went to places she forbade me to go, when I stayed out late or when she found booze in my room. That day, she totally lost her mind. She yelled at me in a way she had never yelled at me before, called me names I didn't know existed, she called me the biggest mistake of her life, that she should have killed me right after my birth, that I was unworthy of the name 'Black', a disgrace, an abomination. Then my father got home. I remember that I had locked myself in to make sure that I had enough time to pack my stuff. He literally knocked down the door and after that I don't really remember anything anymore. Just a lot of pain. I woke up in the hospital, the whole Potter family right next to me, telling me that I would be living with them from now on. Best day of my live. A few weeks later, I got the latter that I've been disowned, cut off from the family account, the whole package. I really don't give a shit though. I'd rather starve to death, than pay anything with that money. I'd rather sleep under a bridge than ever return to that house. I'm sorry about Reg though. We were never really close but he was still my brother and he wasn't even half as bad as my parents. He even tried to protect me a few times, covered for me when I'd done something wrong. I haven't seen him since I ran away. I just hope he's alright. « Sirius voice broke. He stared blankly at the floor, his face, motionless, his voice had been monotonous the whole time and his hands were shaking slightly. I looked at Remus, who looked at Sirius. His face was pale and I could swear that his eyes were particularly wet. I couldn't blame him. But there was something else in his look. Something gentle, I couldn't quite place yet. Remus noticed my eyes and quickly looked away, blushing. We sat in silence for a while until I remembered that I had promised Peter that we would be meeting him later.

 **Sirius**

At 7 p.m. James, Remus and I were standing in front of an old pub, a slightly weathered sign above the door told us that we were looking at 'Tom's Tavern'. Inside the pub the lights were dimmed, it was very warm and the air was misty; the smell of cigarettes, beer and whisky was in the air, creating a significant, yet quite pleasant, atmosphere. We looked around to see weather Peter was there yet and spotted him with two girls sitting in a corner, waving to us.

»Hey, this this Marlene, my girlfriend and that's Dorcas. «. Peter said after we had crossed the room. We introduced ourselves and James went to the bar to get us drinks.

I squeezed myself into the corner, Peter on my right, James on my left, the two girls sat next to Peter and Remus took the chair right opposite to me. When James returned with three beers, Marlene was just telling us about her new job at the local newspaper.

»What about you guys? What do you do? «, she asked, taking a nip from her cider.

»Well, «, I started. »I'm a tattooer. I started about a year ago and someday I hope I've got my own place. «, the girls whistled impressed, whereas Peter looked unsure. James was rolling his eyes at me but the only reaction I had actually been paying attention to was Remus'; there was a twinkle in his eyes and he shadow of a smile on his lips.

»Do you've got tattoos? «, Peter asked me in awe. I looked at him, frowning. _There wouldn't be any point in me becoming a tattooer if I hadn't got some myself, would there?_ I thought, but then smiled and nodded. »Course I do. It's kind of necessary, isn't it? Besides, it's punk – rock. «. Grinning, I tucked up my sleeves and revealed a nice, big, tribal tattoo on my left arm and the words 'mischief managed', on my right. »I've got more but I had to get undressed for those and I'm not sure if you're all ready for that sexy body of mine. «, I added with wink towards Remus. Our eyes met and I could see the corners of his mouth twitch. Neither of us breaking eye contact, I slowly raised my glass to my lips, sipping at it, when, once again, Peter's voice interrupted. »But, doesn't it hurt? «.

I fought back the immense impulse to roll my eyes at him. _I will never understand,_ I thought, _why people keep asking that._ »Well, yes, but it's supposed to hurt, isn't it? «. I noticed the slight touch of annoyance in my voice, so did James apparently because he quickly stepped in.

»This berk convinced me to get one as well. Got me drunk and the next morning I found myself with this. «, he said, also revealing his arm; there in clear, black letters it read 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good'. I laughed out loud at the memory of that night. It had been maybe six months ago. We had nicked some vodka and orange juice from James' house and gone to the Shack; I had my equipment with me and eventually had gotten James to agree and after a lot of whining and complaining of my best friend I had eventually done both our tattoos. To my relief we changed the subject because I really didn't think I could take any more stupidity from Peter tonight. We talked about school and holidays and then Marlene asked Remus what he would like to do since he hadn't said anything yet. That was when I realised that I was in deep trouble. I was ready to jump at that girl to defend Remus and I tried hard to think of something to say, so he didn't have to go into details about himself and his live. However, Remus seemed to be in complete control of the situation. He smiled, »Well I would like to be a teacher one day. «. he said and Dorcas' head sped up. »Really? Me too! What do you want to teach? «

»English and History. «

»Nice. I would take History as well but I've always been pants at languages. I enjoy physics, though. «

They talked some more but at some point my mind started driving off.

 _Krack._ Somewhere at the other end of the room a tray crashed to the floor. I could hear glasses breaking and loads of swears. »For fuck's sake, Ethan! «, a very angry voice echoed from behind the bar and Tom rushed in. He was quite short, with mousy brown hair and his face was red from anger. »That was the fifth time you crashed my glasses today. Not counting the rest of the week. You come late every bleedin' day, if you come at all and I've had enough. Out! Out! « Ethan, the boy, looked blankly at his boss, then with a sudden rush of anger pushed Tom out of his way and stormed out of the pub. The whole pub had gone silent and was now slowly picking up their conversations again. Remus and I got up to help Tom clean up the mess.

»You need a hand? «

»Oh, thanks boys. Really I don't know what to do anymore, that was the third one I fired during the last two months. «, he mumbled more to himself than to us.

»So, «, Remus said, he sounded thoughtful and I wondered what he was up to. »You're looking for a new employee then? Any special requirements? «

Tom looked up, eyeing Remus with a mixture of surprise and scepticism. »Well, if you can tell the difference between a lager and an ale, you'd know more than that boy. Oh, and you'd have to be able to actually carry a tray without thrashing it every time. «

Remus smiled. »I should be able to do that. I'm really looking for a job, see? «

»Well you can hardly be worse than the last two dimwits I had, so feel free to come by tomorrow night. «, Tom grumbled before he vanished behind the bar again. Beaming at me, Remus followed me back to the table.

»I didn't realise you were that desperate. «, I said. Of course there we worse places to work but 'Tom's Tavern' wouldn't have been my first choice either.

»Who's desperate? «, James asked.

»Remus. He just got a job here. «

»You did? «

»I did. «

»Why? «

»Well, you know…it is really dead nice of you to take me in but I can't stay there permanently, can I? I need to get my own place eventually and with my current financial situation - «, Remus' voice trailed off. I took pity on him. I knew what it was like to have nothing at all but at least I knew that I could always count on the Potters.

»What d'you mean you need to get your own place? Don't you live with your parents? «, Peter asked surprised. Remus made a painful grimace. »I did. Kind of had to leave today and now I'm kipping at James' place. « he explained shortly.

»Oh. « Marlene just said. She and her two friends exchanged a look. »You could live with us. «, she finally said.

Remus frowned. »With you? «

»Yeah. We've still got a room free. Been looking for a new flatmate for ages. «

»Are you sure you'd want me to - «, Remus started but was cut off by a »Yes! «, of Peter and the two girls. »You can come around tomorrow if you like. Have a look at the room an'all. «. Peter suggested and Remus nodded, smiling. It looked nice when he smiled and I hastily looked away only to notice that James had been watching me. »What? «, I mouthed but he just shook his head and concentrated on his beer.

»For a successful new start, then! «, I raised my already half empty beer.

»That's the spirit! «, Peter shouted.

We were all a bit drunk after the third round of beers and a few shots of tequila and I heard myself slurring, »Remus. Remus, y'know what you need? You need a nickname! A proper nickname like Prongs and me. «

Remus made a sound that sounded like half laughing – half snorting. »I never had a nickname. «

»Exactly! Everyone needs a nickname! «

For some reason everyone seemed to find that extremely funny and soon the mission: Nickname, was postponed.

Around midnight we decided that it was time to go home. Peter and the girls lived right around the corner of the pub, James, Remus and I, however, had to walk a bit longer but arrived at the Potter Mansion eventually. »We've got a guest room for you. «, James explained to Remus as we went upstairs. A few moments later, we had all gone to our rooms and I could hear James snoring through the door. I went to the bathroom before I too would go to bed but found the door locked.

»Remus? «, I asked. I felt a little uneasy and I was worried, although I really didn't know why. There was no answer from the other side of the door. »Remus are you in there? Are you alright? «. Then, finally I heard some noise and the flushing of the toilet. The door opened and – I almost fell on the floor from laughing.

»You – Oh god! You've got moons on your boxers! Mooooons! «

»Sirius please - «

»Oh I know, I know! I know your nickname! «

»Sirius, Padfoot, don't you dare - «

»Moony! Monny has moons on his boxers! You're Moooooony. «

Remus groaned in frustration and embarrassment and I could see him blushing. »Are you done? «, He asked but he didn't seem angry. In fact, I could see a smile playing on his lips.

»Good night, Moony. «, I whispered and went into the bathroom.

»Good night, Padfoot. «, Remus said and I closed the door.


	4. To thine own self be true

**To thine own self be true**

 **Lily**

I had to admit I was a tad bit mad with Remus. Of course that was totally irrational since I had been in Germany the last week and he actually had told me everything that had happened on the phone, but still…The poor boy lost his home and his family in one day and a few hours later he finds a job and a flat? That wasn't exactly what I'd call normal. Also, I found it a bit unnerving that he seemed to be so close with Potter and Black lately. Again, I knew I was being ridiculous. I should be happy for Remus to be making new friends but did it have to be those two of all people? If I was just totally honest with myself I would have to admit that I was jealous; because although I did my best, not to I have noticed the way Remus' eyes lit up every time he spoke of Sirius, which was fairly often. Once again I just wished, I could be the one that could make him feel so happy.

(13:05; from: Sev)

I'm sorry I didn't answer any of your calls. I had a lot to do. Would you like to meet up later? I'd like to talk to you and apologize.

I stared at my phone. He had nerves! _First he ignores me for weeks and weeks and now he thinks everything is okay because of a fricking text message?_ As much as I wanted to forgive Severus, there was still quite a lot he needed to explain. For example, would I really love to know what that phone call had been about that we had had after my visit at the hospital. Or why he had kept ignoring me ever since then. And I finally wanted to know what had happened between Remus and him that made them turn from close friends to complete strangers, because every time I mentioned the topic with Remus he would get all tensed up and say that I should talk to Severus about that. Still glaring at the screen, I realised than Severus was yet, waiting for an answer.

(13:09; to: Sev)

Apology accepted for now. Yes, I would. Meet me in 10?

(13:09; from: Sev)

Ok. Shack?

(13:10; to: Sev)

Ok.

I quickly went downstairs to get my shoes and a jacket and then I hurried down the street towards the woods. It was a fine day but I didn't really notice any of that. I was about to enter the Shack for the first time after I had found Remus lying on the floor, motionless, bleeding.

When I arrived, Severus was already waiting for me. He looked nervous which filled me with a strange, sadistic satisfaction.

»Fancy seeing you again. «, I said coolly. I wouldn't make this so easy for him; not this time.

»Look, I'm sorry Lily, okay? I should have talked to you earlier. «

»So you should. «

»What can I do to make you forgive me? «

»A few answers would be nice. «

»Alright. Anything. «

I saw it in his eyes that he meant it. After all, I probably was his only real friend and the only one he could confine in without pretending to be someone else. I suddenly felt guilty for using this power I evidently had over him for my advantage. Nevertheless, I did want answers.

»Because I knew you would be angry with me and because I had no reason whatsoever for snapping at you the other day. «

»Why did you then? «, I asked.

»Did what? «

»Snap at me. «

»I don't know. I was just…angry I guess. I'd had just another run in with Black and then Potter had tried to drown me and I had no idea where you were…«

I had a feeling that he wasn't being entirely honest. Surely, a run in with Potter and Black was pretty upsetting I could confirm as much but there was something else…»Are you sure it was just that? Because you have quarrels with Potter and Black all the time and you usually don't turn into a complete dick afterwards. «. Severus shrugged. _Great answer,_ I thought.

»See, «, I tried again. »Rem was in the hospital and I'm sorry if I expected you, as my friend, to give me a bit of support there. «.

Severus blushed. He looked guilty and I felt bad for making him feel that way.

»You're right. You're always right, Lils. I'm sorry. Why was he in hospital, anyway? «

»Do you really care? «

»What's that supposed to mean? «

»Well, as far as I know you two haven't spoken to each other for years. You never cared before. «

»I care for you. «, Severus whispered and blushed even more, then he raised his voice a bit. »You are obviously upset about it and since I have failed as a friend on that day I want to make it up to you now. «

»He tried to commit suicide, Sev. «

»What? «, Severus looked at me in sheer disbelief, his eyes wide in shock.

»I said, he tried to - «

»I heard what you said. «, he interrupted me. »I mean…how…why? «

»Can't you tell? «

Although Remus and Sev hadn't been talking for about three years now I knew for a fact that he was fully aware of Remus' situation at home; he too had met Fenrir Freyback enough times to last for a lifetime. Remus had always been unhappy.

»I suppose I can, but…«, he broke off. I sympathised with him because it was a lot to take in and to comprehend but I had a feeling that maybe, just maybe, I would finally get an honest answer.

»Sev, why did you to fall out? «.

Severus raised his head and looked me in the eyes. He held my gaze for a moment before he shut his eyelids and started talking. »We didn't fall out. Not really. Remember, when we were 14 or 15 Remus and I were so close you started to get jealous sometimes? You never wanted du admit it but we all knew you were and Remus and I teased you because of it. At some point he started to tell me stuff that he didn't want to tell you. Stuff he was afraid to talk about. It was mostly about him being gay. Greyback always insulted him and called him faggot and poof and god knows what else and he started to realise that he was exactly that and it scared him. He didn't want to talk to you because you are a girl and he didn't know how you would react and because you two were always so close he as afraid that you might expect more from him than just friendship and he wasn't sure so he didn't want to hurt your feelings. I listened. And then one day, we were at his home because his mum and Greyback were out, we sat on his bed, talking again and then I suggested that if he wasn't sure, he should just try it out. Then we kissed. Greyback walked in on us and…and I accused Remus of harassing me and that it had all been his fault and I said very nasty things and then I left. I left him with Greyback although I knew what he would most probably do. After that I kind of avoided him and then a few weeks later we had one last talk and decided that it would be best if I stayed away from him. In those few weeks when we didn't talk I started hanging out with Tom, Lucius, Barty and the others. «, his eyes still closed Sev came to an end and took a deep breath before opening his eyes again. I saw fear in his face. Severus was never afraid. I swallowed, fully aware that he expected some kind of reaction but how was I supposed to react? What was I supposed to say? »I – I - «, I stuttered. »I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, Sev. I need to think about this. «. Then I left and I swear I could see a single tear running down Severus' cheek.

 **Remus**

I sat on my bed in my new room in Peter's flat, which was now also my flat. The day after the pub I had taken a look at the room and another day later I had moved in. The room was small but comfortable. A desk stood in front of the window, at the opposite wall bed and a wardrobe. That had been two weeks ago and Remus was surprised at how quick he got used to his new home. Peter, Marlene and Dorcas were very nice people and either Sirius or James came by almost every day, sometime both of them.

 _Knock, knock._ The door opened and Lily poked her head through the door.

»Lily. What are you doing here? «

»I, er…«, she seemed nervous so I made some space on the bed and told her to sit down. »I just spoke to Sev. «, she said after a moment of silence. I nodded, »And? «.

»And we talked about…stuff…you know? «

»Stuff? «

»Yeah…stuff. «

I blinked. Lily didn't make the impression like she was about to say anything more on that matter and I wasn't sure if I should push her. Did I really want to know what kind of 'stuff' he had told her?

»Lily - «, I started, but she held up her hand and I shut up.

»He apologized for snapping at me that day after I visited you in the hospital. «

»That is a good thing, isn't it? «

»It is. He asked about you. «

»What? Why would he do that? «, I asked. I hadn't spoken to Severus for three years. Ever since that _Day_ neither of us had had the intention of pretending like everything was fine.

»That's what I asked him as well. « she didn't look at me, instead she kept her eye fixed on the tree outside the window. »He told me, Rem. «. I wanted to ask what it was that he had told her but of course I knew. There was just one thing that she didn't know. »Oh. «

»Why did you never say anything? «

»After it happened I was ashamed. Ashamed and angry. I didn't want to upset you. And then I had that last talk with Severus and he made me promise, practically begged me, not to tell you. «. Lily nodded, then she finally turned her head to look at me. There was no anger in her eyes. »Did you ever - «. she hesitated. »I mean, were you ever - «, she stopped again, seemingly unable to say it. »You mean if I ever had a crush on him? «. she nodded and I couldn't help but laugh. »God, no! «. Lily seemed relieved and started laughing as well.

»Hullo you two. «, Peter said. I hadn't even noticed him in the door. »D'you fancy some biscuits? Apparently, Dorcas was bored and started baking. «. We followed him into the kitchen where we found Dorcas cleaning up the remaining mess of her 'boredom'. The biscuits were delicious and soon we were laughing and talking about every day stuff. Lily and Dorcas got along pretty good which I was relieved about because that girl really deserved some more friends.

»Oh, before I forget. Potter showed up at the book shop again. «, Lily suddenly said.

»When was that? «, I asked. I knew of course that he had visited her there, Sirius had told me the story more than once

»Today. «, she sounded frustrated and very angry. » I slapped him. « I laughed and Lily shot me a furious glance. That was just so much like James. I knew that he was a bit obsessed with Lily and of course he wouldn't give up so easily. »It's not funny. «, she hissed.

»I'm sorry Lils, it's just…well…it is. Kind of. «, I smiled apologetically and we quickly changed the subject. After an hour or so I excused myself because I had to go to work. Back in my room I quickly got changed, when my mobile buzzed.

(16:30; from: Padfoot)

Hi you working 2nite? mind if i come around later?

(16:31; to: Padfoot)

Hi back. Yes I am and no I don't mind. You always tend to spice things up.

(16:31; from: Padfoot)

That's cuz of my incredible good look and my sense of humor.

(16:31; to Padfoot)

I'm afraid I only agree with one of those things

(16:31; from Padfoot)

You dont think im funny? =/

(16:32; to Padfoot)

Maybe. Maybe not ;)

(16:32; from Padfoot)

Youre a cruel man remus lupin. you might be able to make it up to me tho ;)

(16:32; to Padfoot)

Is that so? And how would I do that?

(16:32; from: Padfoot)

Im sure you can think of sth ;)

With a wide smile on my face I left the flat to go to 'Tom's Tavern'.

 **Lily**

After Remus had left the room, Dorcas went to have a shower and I was left alone with Peter in a rather awkward silence. He cleared his throat, then opened his mouth and closed it again. I furrowed my brow at him. He tried again, »He's not so bad you know. James. «. I blinked. Where was this coming from? I was unable to say anything so he went on. »He acts like a total git and sometimes it's not really an act but once you get to know him better he's alright. I'm just saying. It wasn't him that lured Snape onto that tree. That was Sirius. James had no idea until Sirius told him and then he tried to save him. «

»What? «

»James. He saved Snape's life. «

I needed a moment to let that sink in. Why would Potter do something like that? »But – but he hates Sev. «

»So? Doesn't mean he wants to see him dead, though, does it? And you know Sirius. He's impulsive and he doesn't think. Once he'd realised what he had done he felt really guilty about it. «

»Right. «, I couldn't say anything else. Maybe I should apologize to Potter? No. Or should I?

»I just thought you should know. He really likes you and I mean you don't have to give him a chance but think about it. «

»Right. « I said again. Getting up from my chair. »I'm sorry. I have to go. See you Pete. «

»Bye. «

I left the flat, my head was spinning. Severus was right. I needed to get a grip. Remus was gay and my best friend. There was no use in being miserable because he didn't see me the way I saw him. Maybe I should give Potter a chance after all.

 **Sirius**

(20:51; from: Moony)

Help me! I'm being molested by an 80-year-old lady!

I looked at my phone and let out a loud barking laugher. I had promised that I would come over to the pub at around 10 p.m., _well it seems like I might go just a little sooner._

(20:51, to: Moony)

I'm shocked. you should have said youre into sugar mummies

(20:52; from: Moony)

I hate you Sirius Black. I really hate you

(20:52; to: Moony)

Oh the pain. My heart is forever broken.

(20:52; from: Moony)

Idc. You're still disgusting. But I'll let you make it up to me ;)

(20:52; to: Moony)

I? make it up to you? isnt it more the other way round?

(20:53; from: Moony)

Guess that makes us even then ;)

(20:53; to: Moony)

Bollocks. And i was so looking forward to that

(20:53; from: Moony)

Were you, now? And what exactly did you think I would do?

(20:54; to: Moony)

Surprise me. i like surprises

(20:54; from: Moony)

I might still do that

I sat in my room, impatiently eyeing the clock. I didn't want to wait any longer. I got up and quickly opened my wardrobe. What should I wear? My eyes fell onto a pair of very tight, very ripped, black jeans I had only just bought. A smile crept over my face. A few minutes later I watched myself in the mirror. In addition to the yeans I had put on my t – shirt from 'The Clash', my combat boots and my favourite leather jacket; the one with the rivets and the graffito on the back. I tied my hair back in a messy bun and applied some eyeliner. Fairly satisfied I set off afoot; my bike wouldn't be any help for me once I'd drank a beer or two.

Half an hour later I stood in front of 'Tom's Tavern', taking one last deep breath, I opened the door and entered.

 **James**

 _Tap. Tap. Tap._

I frowned. Steps in the hallway. A door creaked.

 _Tap. Tap. Tap._

Steppes on the staircase. The front door was shut. Silence.

 _Weird._ I thought. _Sirius didn't say he wanted to go out._ And it was weird indeed because he would never miss the opportunity to drag me along to some party; but then again, Sirius had behaved rather strange the last couple of days. He was constantly on his phone, smiling and he was also different with me. He had always used to watch me whenever he had thought I wouldn't notice, he would make up excuses for physical contact and we would always talk about everything. Now that I thought about it properly, I hadn't had a serious conversation with him ever since the _incident_ , as we now called it. It made me sad. He was my brother and my best friend and I slowly realised that I hadn't exactly treated him like that for the last weeks, maybe months. I had been worried about him because of the things that had happened at his home but apart from that I hadn't showed any actual interest. Not like him. _Wow, what kind of a best friend are you?_ I thought bitterly. What was even worse, I had actually enjoyed the thought of him, the famous Sirius Black, crushing on me. _Who does that? Dickheads and wankers. I'm not like that, am I?_ Wasn't I? Shit, even Lily thought I was an arrogant, little brat. Today had been the third slap I had received from her; it was frustrating. I tried. I really did. But she seemed to be determined to hate me. Just what did I do wrong?

 **Remus**

My fingers were itching to pull out my phone again, to see whether Sirius had send another massage but I knew better. Tom had shot me a warning glance earlier already and I knew that Sirius wouldn't be here any sooner just because I kept staring at my mobile phone. I felt a breeze of cold on my neck and turned around; there in the door frame, stood Sirius. I swallowed. He wore dead tight jeans, some band shirt and a studded leather jacket, his hair was bound back in a messy bun and it looked like he had put on some make up. It was hot. I smiled what I hoped was a confident smile and turned back to the table I was supposed to clean up. Sirius stepped through the room towards the bar and I followed him with my eyes. On the back of his jacket was a graffito, saying 'You cannot imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give', I tried to supress a smile, which was probably just half – successful because Mrs. Norma Norris, a very old, very annoying lady that was pestering me the whole night already gave me a dirty look and winked.

»Now you should have said that there would be such a handsome young man. I don't mind two or your sort. «, she called across the room, earning loads of laugher. I tried not to blush and called back, » Bit old for that, don't you think? Wouldn't want to exhaust yourself, would you? «.

»Honey I might look like an old bat but I've got plenty of fire left. «

»I'm sure you're dying to hear all about that fire. «, a husky voice behind me said. I turned around and found myself standing way too close in front of Sirius who was smiling at me in his flirty, gorgeous, Sirius – ish way. I stepped back and smiled as well. Was there a hint of disappointment in his eyes?

»Glad you came. «, I said.

»Me too. «

»I - «, I started but Tom's voice brought me back to reality. »Remus could you please go back to your work! You'll have plenty of time once your shift is over! «.

»Yeah. Sorry. «, I called back and gave Sirius an apologetic look. He seemed amused and just shrugged. One look at the clock told me that, indeed, my shift was almost over. About an hour later I was free and sat down next to Sirius in a dark corner.

»Now, this looks cosy. «, I teased him and earned a mysterious grin.

»Just think of all the things I could be doing to you here in the dark. «

»Anything in particular you'd like to do? «

The smile grew bigger and I could feel a hand on my thigh. Sirius' eyes were fixed on mine and I held his gaze.

»Remus, Remus, I'd have never thought you as the dirty sort. «

»What can I say. I'm full of surprises. «

»I like surprises.

»So you said. «

»I did. «

I gulped. My mouth felt terribly dry and my heart was racing.

»Do you - «, I hesitated. Shit, I was nervous. »D'you wanna come back to mine? There's some beer in the fridge, I think. «

»I think I might want that very much actually. «

We quickly left the pub and I was very grateful that Peter's flat ( _my flat too, you idiot_ ) was only a few minutes afar. Sirius and I walked in silence, throwing glances at each other every now and then and I could practically see the electricity in the air between us. When we had finally reached the small house, I opened the door. Peter and Marlene were on a visit at Peter's parents and Dorcas would be in her room with earplugs in her ears.

»So. « I said slightly uncomfortable.

»So. «

»Way to start a conversation. «

»I'm still waiting for that surprise you promised. «, Sirius said with a smug smile on his face.

»And what makes you think you deserved that? «, I asked. I had no idea where that courage came from all of a sudden but it felt good. It felt right. I was distantly aware that I should probably step back and get that beer from the kitchen but I really, really didn't want to. We both knew what was about to happen and I didn't mind in the slightest.

»I've been a good boy. «, Sirius whispered in my ear. His voice was deep and rough and send little shudders down my spine. We stood only inches apart and I could feel the warmth of his body.

»I don't believe you. «, I breathed. »I think you've been a very naughty boy. You know what happens to naughty boys? «

»Show me. «

My blood was rushing in my ears. I was half aware that we still stood in the middle of the living room and if Dorcas should decide to go to the kitchen, she would walk right into us but I honestly couldn't bring myself to care. My hands reached out to grab Sirius face, lips crashing against lips. Sirius let out a sound of surprise but then wrapped his arms around my body to pull me closer. Our chests pressed together, I could feel his heart racing against mine. My hands started to explore Sirius' body, slowly wandering down his back until I reached his arse. Sirius drew in a sharp breath as I grabbed it firmly and I saw a burning desire in his eyes.

»Bedroom? «, I asked in a husky voice. Sirius nodded. »Bedroom. «. I grabbed Sirius' hand and dragged him to my room and the images blurred into each other, became one sweaty, hot mess of kisses and loud moans and when I thrust into a begging, wriggling Sirius, panting hard, sobbing my name, I knew this was it. This was how it was supposed to be.

Only much later we lay next to each other, still breathing hard, arms wrapped around each other and I fell asleep with a smile on my lips.


	5. Methods of madness

**Methods of madness**

 **Sirius**

It was still dark outside when I woke up but I kept my eyes shut, enjoying the memorise of the previous night that came rushing through my mind. Remus' lips on mine, his hands in my skin, his name on my lips. I smiled.

A steady buzzing brought me back to reality. Reluctantly, I opened my eyes and saw Remus lying next to me, peaceful and oh, so beautiful. I reached out for my phone to find 3 missed calls and a text massage from James.

(6:15; from: Prongs)

Wtf mate? Come home now im rly worried about you and you better answer my fucking call

I sighed. _And they say I'm the drama queen._ I thought but answered nevertheless.

(6:16; to: Prongs)

A wonderful morning to you too my dear friend. Stop ovulating and calm down. Im on my way

(6:16; from: Prongs)

IM NOT FUCKING OVULATING AND IM FUCKING CALM YOU FUCKING TWAT I WAS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU

I frowned. _Well, someone woke up at the wrong side of the bed._

I got up, carefully, so Remus wouldn't wake up, got dressed and was just about to leave when my eyes fell back upon Remus. He looked so pretty and peaceful, jus laying there, sleeping. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from his desk and started writing.

 _Morning gorgeous. Thx for last night, I think it was grate. Sorry that I had to leave but James threatened to kill me if I didn't come home. I'll call you later._

Then I left the flat as quite as possible and half an hour later I arrived at the Potter Mansion. Fleamont and Euphemia were still sleeping but James was wide awake and furious.

»Where've you been? «, he snapped at me as soon as I had closed the door of my room behind me.

»What d'you mean? «

»What do I - ? You know bloody well what I mean. You were gone! You can't just run off without saying anything. «, he looked downright worried and I wondered if he had slept at all. Suddenly I felt bad for sneaking out. »Right. Sorry, won't happen again. «.

James nodded. »So? «, he asked. »Where were you? «

»Just out. «

»Out? «

»Yeah, out. I met this guy and we went back to his flat. «, I felt uncomfortable. For some reason I didn't want to tell James that it had been Remus I had spent the night with but I also hated lying to James.

»And do I happen to know this guy? «, James asked. What was that? Since when was James so interested in my love life? I shook my head. »Don't think so. Name was Josh or Johnny or something like that.«.

James shook his head. He looked a lot less angry now which I took as a good sign. » You're insufferable. «, he simply said and I frowned.

»D'you even know what that means? «

James shrugged. »Looked it up just for you. «

And in the next moment there were pillows flying across the room and everything was almost like we were ten again and it was the morning after my very first sleep over.

 **Lily**

It was about 1 o'clock when the little bell rang. I didn't pay much attention to it, whoever it was would come to me if they needed any help. I continued to sort out the books in the shelf.

»Lily? «, a familiar voice called behind my back and I spun around.

»Oh, hello Mrs. Lupin. «, I answered and put on a smile that as I hoped was nice and charming.

»How are you my dear? I haven't seen you in a while. «

»I'm good. «, I replied, really unsure where this conversation might lead. »How have you been? Remus said you were on a holiday. «. _Well, I might as well do small talk._

»Oh, most wonderful. Fenrir is such a good man, isn't he? He surprised me with it. Four weeks in the Normandy, can you believe it? «, she looked seriously thrilled. I felt sick. She really had no idea what had happened.

»Wow. «, I just said.

Mrs. Lupin kept smiling at me. Then, she seemed to remember why she had come here in the first place and said, »Lily, love, could you tell Remus I'm back? Fenrir said that he went to live with you for a few days. «.

I blinked. »He went – right. Of course. I'll tell him to call you. «

»Thank you my dear. I have to go now, Fenrir's waiting. «, she left the little book shop and I stood still for a whole minute, staring at the door. I couldn't quite believe what had just happened. Finally, I managed to pull myself back together and drew out my phone.

 _»Yes? «_ , Remus said at the other end of the line. His voice sounded throaty and strange.

»Hey. Are you okay? «

 _»Yeah. «_

»You're lying. «, I determined.

 _»Yeah. «_

»D'you wanna talk about it? «

 _»No. I'll be fine. It's just…something's happened and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not and what I'm supposed to think about it. I'll be fine. «_

»Of course you will. «, I said, meaning every word of it. He would. »Er, I'm really sorry to drop this on you just now but…I just met your mum. She's back. Fenrir told her that you went to live with me for a couple of days «

 _»Oh. «_

»Oh? «, I asked. »Just 'oh'? «

 _»Yeah, just 'oh'. «_ , Remus sounded gravely upset now and I felt guilty.

»I'm sorry. «

 _»Don't be. It's not your fault my mum is in love with a complete arsehole. «_

»No, but still. «. I sighed. »You going to see her? «

 _»Have to, don't I? «_

»Call me if you need anything. «

 _»I will. Thank you Lily. «_

»That's what friends are for. Love you. «

 _»Love you too. «_

I hung up and turned around but stopped dead again. I hadn't even noticed the doorbell.

»Lily. «, the smiling face of James Potter looked down on me and I groaned in frustration.

»Potter. «, I said. »Look, if you're here to ask me out once again, don't bother. You know the answer, so you might as well just leave. «, I knew that I was being rude but really it was annoying. Despite what Peter had told me, I couldn't quite bring myself to believe that James Potter might actually like me. I was fairly sure that I was just one of his conquests and I really didn't want that. Against my expectation, he smiled even more.

»Maybe I'm here to buy a book. «. he said in a playful voice.

I frowned, »I doubt it. «

»Why? I do read, you know. «

I blinked. That boy really was getting to me. »Fine. « I snapped. »What kind of book are you looking for then? «

James grinned and I knew I was so going to regret this.

 **Sirius**

It was nearly 2 o'clock and I was getting nervous. I had tried to call Remus three times already and was currently writing the fourth test message.

(13:58; to: Moony)

Hey. Please call me, im getting worried here mate.

A few minutes later my phone rang. Remus.

»Hey. «

 _»Hey, sorry that I didn't call you earlier. «_ , he sounded miserable, like he had been crying.

»That's alright. «, I said. »You're not ok. «

 _»No, I'm not. «_ , he answered after some hesitation.

»Where are you? D'you want me to come? «

 _»'m in the Shack. «_ , he whispered and I immediately sat up straight. What was he doing there? Remus must have noticed my shock because he quickly added, _»I'm not going to do anything, don' worry. Just didn't know where else to go. «_

»Alright. Still, do you want me to come over? «

There was a moment of silence. While I waited for an answer I already got up from my bed, I had been laying on and got dressed properly.

 _»I don't know. «_ , he finally said. He sounded frankly, like he really didn't know.

»Okay. «, I replied. Getting in my shoes. »I'm coming anyway. «

 _»Course you are. «_ , he sounded like there was a faint smile on his face.

»I'm on my way. Don't move. «, I ordered before hanging up and leaving the house.

 **Remus**

I sat in my usual corner in the Shack. After the conversation with my mother, all I wanted was to be alone but the thought of Sirius coming to see me was comforting. _You really need to stop this, Remus!_ But it was useless. After the previous night I just couldn't get him out of my head. I heard someone climbing up the ladder and seconds later Sirius' face appeared at the doot.

»Hey you. «

»Hey. «

He crossed the small room and sat down next to me; I felt slightly awkward, sitting so close to him and I could feel my heart speeding up

»I'm sorry, you know. «, He said in a low voice.

»What for? «, I asked. What could he possibly be sorry for?

»For leaving. This morning. I mean, I didn't want to but James was furious because I hadn't told him were I was going. «, he explained and I had to force myself to keep a neutral expression. _Just because he didn't want to leave without saying goodbye doesn't mean anything._ I didn't trust my voice so I said nothing.

»And about last night - «, Sirius started but I cut him off. I was pretty sure that I knew what he was going to say but I was definitely not sure if I could bear to hear it.

»Don't. «, I simply said without looking at him. »Don't explain yourself. It's fine. It was just sex, right? Not like it's going to happen again. «. From the corner of my eyes I saw Sirius blinking. He had probably noticed the disappointment and the hurt in my voice.

»Right. «, He said. »No. I mean yes…I mean - «, he hesitated but I still refused to look at him. »What happened? «, he asked.

»What d'you mean? «

»You know exactly what I mean. Something must have happened because you certainly didn't come here because you felt bored. «

I stayed silent for a moment, then, »My mum's back. «.

»Oh. That…er…that's a good thing, isn't it? «, he asked uncertainly.

I shrugged. »Dunno, is it? She still doesn't know. About me, I mean. Fenrir told her I stayed with Lily for a couple of days. «

»Shit. Are you going to tell her the truth? «

»I don't know. I don't want to upset her. «

»I think she would want be upset about you. I think you should tell her. Besides, what else are you supposed to do? You don't even live there anymore, thank god. «

»I know. I don't know. I don't - «, my voice broke. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I felt my hands shaking and started digging my fingernails into my skin. The lump in my throat, slowly growing and growing, threatening to asphyxiate me. Sheer panic boiling up inside me. »I don't fucking know! «, I burst out and there were tears rolling down my cheek. I could feel Sirius' arms wrapped around my shoulders and there were words leaving his mouth but I couldn't hear him. I couldn't hear what he said over the noise in my head. It sounded like _sorry_ and _it'll be okay_ and _I'm here for you_ and I wanted to scream at him that, no It was not going to be okay and you can't help me! But I couldn't say a word.

»Shh. «, he whispered. » We're going to think of something. _I'm_ going to think of something. «

I had no idea how long exactly we sat there but eventually my heart calmed down and the noise in my head with it. We still didn't speak but I felt like there were thousands of unspoken words filling the little space between our bodies, waiting for us to pick them up.

»Why are you doing this? «, I finally asked. »Why are you being so nice to me? Why are you being all supportive? You barely know me. «

Sirius was silent for a second before he answered. I still didn't look at him but I could hear him smiling. »I know enough to say that you deserve it. You deserve to be happy and you deserve friends that care about you. And I do, you know. I care about you. You're a good person, Remus. « That finally made me look at him. He looked sincere but also a bit insecure like he hadn't actually meant to say all that out loud. I smiled and suddenly there were his lips pressed against mine. The kiss was chaste and sweet and Sirius pulled back before I even realised what had happened. »Just a kiss, right? Doesn't have to mean anything. «. He said and there was an undertone in his voice I couldn't quite place but I was too exhausted to argue or to think about it too much.

 **James**

I knew that I had probably overreacted when I had noticed that Sirius had spent the night somewhere else, it wasn't the first time that he had done that but normally he told me about it. I also didn't quite believe that that he had just met 'some guy' whose name he didn't remember, there had been something different from the normal one – night stands. But I didn't really follow the thought because currently I was standing between rows of bookshelves and Lily was right next to me and we were talking ( _talking!_ ) and so far she hadn't insulted or slapped me even once!

»Personally, I enjoyed A Midsummer Night's Dream the most. «, Lily just said. I had a very old edition of 'Hamlet' in my hand and we had started to discuss about the various plays of good old Shakespeare.

»Fits. You do seem like the kind of person that enjoys a lovely comedy rather than tragedy and death. «, I remarked, hoping that that was the right thing to say. Lily gave me a calculating look. »No offence. «, I quickly added.

»None taken. «, she replied. »Anyway, are you going to buy that? Because as much as I'm enjoying myself I'm still at work and there are other customers. «. She didn't sound unfriendly and I really didn't want to push my luck so I bought the book. After I had payed I was just about to leave but turned around again, » You don't think we could go for a drink sometime, do you? «, I asked with my most charming smile. Lily looked at me. She made no attempt to come over to me which was a good thing considering that even Lily Evens was unable to slap me if she stood at the other end of the room. _Wait, is that a smile on her face?_

»Don't push it, Potter «, she simply said.

»That's not a no «

»It's not a yes either. «

I left the shop, feeling like I was floating. The sun shone down on me and I suddenly realised how beautiful everything looked. _Not as beautiful as Lily._ I thought as I made my way back home. Sirius was gone when I arrived but I couldn't get myself to care _._

(13:49; from: unknown)

Hello, this is Lily. Do you still want that drink?

I blinked and starred at the screen. _I must be dreaming._ I thought absently because this really could not be happening. She was Lily Evans and Lily Evans didn't just ask me, James Potter, out on a date. Lily Evans never missed an opportunity to show me just how much she disliked me. I blinked again and then I realised that I should probably answer.

(13:55; to: Lily 3)

Hey. Course i do. Tonight?

(13:55; from: Lily 3)

Tonight sounds good. Where and when?

(13:56; to: Lily 3)

You know the three broomsticks? Good pub in town, about 8?

(13;56; from: Lily3)

Ok. See you tonight then.

 **Sirius**

We sat on my motorbike and I really had to strain myself to keep my focus on the road. My mind constantly drifted away to Remus and James and back to Remus and James and _stop it!_

Remus hands were clutched at my hips and I could feel his chest pressed against my back. We hadn't talked since that kiss and I really had no idea what to say. _Why did I even do it?_ It had been alright to snog and shag while being drunk but what had happened back in the Shack that had been completely different. _It was just sex, right?_ I heard Remus' voice again in my head. Somehow I had felt a painful sting of disappointment when he had said those words. But then again, it had been just sex. Nothing more. I parked the machine in front of Remus' flat.

»You going to be ok? «, I asked. I felt slightly uncomfortable with the whole situation and my own feelings. Remus shrugged. »Probably. « He muttered. He looked terribly tired and there was something in his eyes that made me sad. »Do you - «, he started, avoiding my eyes. »I mean. Do you want to come back upstairs? «.

»I'm not sure. Do you want me to? «, I asked. I really didn't want him to feel like he had to do anything he didn't want. I didn't even know if I wanted to.

»I don't mind «

I gave in and followed Remus upstairs. Back in his flat I told Remus to lay down while I made some tea.

»Thank you. For everything. «, he said ten minutes later, when we sat next to each other on the sofa with a big can of tea in front of us.

»Stop it, Remus. It was nothing, really. I wanted to help you and I'd do it again any time. «

I felt his head leaning against my shoulder. »I'm sorry for kissing you. « I finally said because it felt like the right thing to do.

»I'm not. «

»Pardon? «

Remus raised his head again and looked at me. »I'm not. « he said in a surprisingly steady voice. I blinked. »It's like you said. It was just a kiss. Doesn't have to mean anything. «.

I gulped. There they were again. Those brown, mild eyes. Kind. Understanding. Intelligent. Not like James'; James' eyes were honest and loyal and mischievous at the same time. I was unable to turn my eyes away and he held my gaze. My head was spinning. _RemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemus_.

I felt myself slowly leaning in to him, there were only a few inches between us and I was still drowning in his eyes. _RemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemus_.

Our noses lightly nudged against each other and I could feel a hand that was definitely not mine, sliding up my leg. _RemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemusJamesRemus_.

Our lips met. It was a sweet kiss. Innocent and uncertain but one last look into those deep, brown eyes was enough. I wrapped my arms around Remus and pulled him closer to me; his lips back on mine and this time it was deep and longing. _RemusRemusRemusRemusRemusRemusRemusRemusRemusRemusRemusRemusRemus._

He shifted and before I could react, Remus sat on my lap, his hands tangled in my hair and our tongues dancing around each other. His crotch pressed down on mine and I could feel him hard through the friction of our pants. A soft moan. My breath went heavier and I tried to pull him even closer, my hands sliding under his shirt, stroking his bare skin. Hot, electrified and oh, so sexy. »Remus. », I whispered, when the boy on my lap dug his face in my neck, eagerly sucking at my skin. Teeth nibbling at my earlobe. A hot, wet tongue licking along my collarbone. »Fuck, Moony. « I groaned. Trying to gain some control over my own body but it was useless. Remus thrust his hip against mine, again and again and again, going faster and harder and I could feel his hot breath on my skin. Panting frantically, we both rocked against each other one last time and I led out a sobbing cry as I came into my pants. Remus collapsed onto me, his breath still going fast. We sat like that for a while longer before Remus sat up a biz and looked me in the eyes again.

»I'm not sorry about that either. «, he whispered. I tried not to think and just smiled, placing a soft kiss on the tip of his nose.

»You should get some sleep. «.

Remus smiled back and nodded. »I'll just take a shower. «

»I'll clean up this mess. «, I said and then hesitated. »Do you want me to – I mean – Should I stay, or -? «. I didn't dare to look at Remus.

»I think – I think it's better when you go. I mean – you can take a shower afterwards and you can stay here on the sofa but - «, he left the sentence unfinished but the message was clear nevertheless. I nodded, still not looking at him. Only when I heard the door of the bathroom shut close I turned around and starred at the door. _What the hell are you doing, Black?_ I shook my head and began to tidy up the sofa and to wash up the can with cold tea. When I had finished, Remus was still in the shower and I felt oddly cold and also very, very tired and I decided that it was probably best to go home.

When I stepped out on the street and walked towards my motorbike I suddenly bumped into a boy leaving one of the shops.

»Sorry. «, I muttered without looking up.

»Sirius? «

I spun around. _That is impossible._ Was my first thought. _What the hell is he doing here?_

»Regulus. «, I managed to say, »What are you doing here? «

My brother blushed. _A Black does not blush?!_ He lowered his eyes and kept them fixed on the ground, clearly uncomfortable. I really began to wonder who that person was and what he had done to my little brother. We hadn't seen each other for three months and I had thought that he had abandoned me just like the rest of the family.

»I was – er – I was just visiting someone. «, he said in a very low voice.

 _What kind of person does he know that lives around here?_ »Right. «, I just said. »Well, nice seeing you, I s'pose. How are things? «

»Alright. I - er – I think I should apologize. For how things went you know? So, yeah, sorry. «. I raised an eyebrow but said nothing. This was weird. Weird and utterly wrong. »And I am. Sorry. I never meant for hat to happen. I mean, I know that we always had our differences but your still my brother and I never wanted them to find out about you. «

»Wait. You knew? «. I was shocked. Kind of.

»Of course I knew. You weren't exactly subtle about it. «

»But – you never said anything. «

»Why would I? It's none of my business. «

I nodded, still highly confused but also happy that I hadn't been entirely wrong about Regulus. He really was alright.

»It was me, you know. «, Regulus suddenly said. »The one that got you out of there. You were nearly unconscious and bleeding and I thought you might die or something if you didn't get help so I waited until dad had locked himself into his study to get drunk and mum had gone to bed and I kind of dragged you out on the street. I didn't know where to go but you kept muttering something about James and I helped you to get there alive. «

I blinked. An odd feeling was rising in my chest like I was about to either burst into tears or throw up all over the pavement. »I - «, I started but hesitated. What was I supposed to say? »I didn't – I don't remember a thing from that night. Not after father stormed into my room. I did wonder of course but – shit. Thank you I guess. I don't know what to say. «

»You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. You're still my brother. «

»Don't let them hear you say that. «

»They won't. I'll be fine. «

»Are you sure? I could help you, you know. I you ever feel like you can't take it any longer I'll be there. «. I said hopefully. I hated the thought of my little brother on that hell but he shook his head. »I appreciate it but no. I was alright for you but actually care about them. I know that they're not exactly good parents and they treated you like shit and I understand that you hate them but I just don't. I can't. They never treated _me_ wrong. «

I nodded to show that I understood, although I really, really didn't.

»Anyway, I have to go. It was nice to see that you're doing alright and, well, maybe we see each other again. «, Regulus said, offering me his hand I took it and pulled him closer into a hug. He led out a sound of surprise but didn't fight back. It was a short and somewhat awkward hug but it was more than we had ever had; thinking about it, I realised that I had never hugged my brother before.

»See you little brother. «, I said before I got on my bike and drove home.

 **Lily**

 _I must be mad._ It was the only thought that kept marching through my mind over and over again. There was just no other way. _Why again did I agree to go on a bloody date with James bloody Potter?_ It had seemed like a reasonable idea for the time being but now it just seemed ludicrous. I stood in front of my wardrobe, wandering what I should wear. I had had never been on any date so I didn't really know those things were supposed to work but – _hold on! You don't even like him so it doesn't matter what you wear!_ Didn't it? I had two hours left until I had to leave the house, meaning I had plenty of time to get ready and not look like I actually spent much time to get ready. It was just a drink. Nothing would happen. Everything was fine. I put on a light summer dress and stepped in front of the mirror; I looked nice. Nice enough anyway. I took off the dress and pulled out a pair of skinny blue jeans and a green tank top. I put them on and took them off again. The pile of clothes on my floor grew bigger and bigger but I just couldn't find anything that seemed appropriate. An hour left. Frustrated I chose the green tank top along with a long, white skirt and a jeans jacket, put on a bit of make - up and bound my hair back in a ponytail. I checked my look one last time in the mirror and thought that it was okay. Not too much but also not too shabby. _Why do I care anyway? I don't like him._ I reminded myself. Half an hour left. I sat down on my bed and waited, trying not to think about the date. Of course I knew the 'Three Broomsticks'. Remus and I went there occasionally because it was a fine pub but mostly because there was live music every other week and poetry slams. Remus himself sometimes took part in them because he really enjoyed writing and he was quite good at saying things in a way that made your heart skip a beat. It was half past seven and I slowly got up to leave the house.

At eight o'clock I opened the door to the "Three Broomsticks" and immediately spotted James sitting on a stool at the bar. I walked over to him, trying to ignore the nervous feeling in my guts. I cleared my throat and James turned around.

»Lily! «, he beamed at me and I smiled back. He ordered two pints and we moved to a quite table in a corner.

»So. «, James started. »I must say I was surprised to get your text. «

»Yeah well, what can I say…maybe you're not so bad after all. «, I said quietly.

»'Course I'm not. «, James burst out and I rolled my eyes.

»Shut it or I might change my mind. «

»Alright, alright. I'm sorry. « And he really seemed sorry and even looked a bit put off. _Scared? That's impossible, James Potter is never scared._ I mused but was interrupted by James' voice, » - let you think that I'm not so bad after all? «

»That's a good question. I honestly don't know. «, I answered truthfully.

The evening proofed to be quite enjoyable. James was funny of course but even more he was smart and actually quite charming. He showed interest in what I had to say and listened carefully. He did not always agree with my opinion but that only lead to a very interesting discussion about abortion.

»Well I see your point there but nevertheless I would like to have a saying if I was about to become a dad. «, he said while emptying his beer.

»And I do understand that, I really do, but it is my body and if I decide that I do not want it to bear a child that is my decision. «

We sat in silence for a moment before James spoke again. »Alright, this is getting weird. It's not like we actually have to make such a decision in any considerable future. «. I agreed with him and we changed the topic. I didn't even realise how late it was until I received a text message from my mum, asking if I would stay the whole night out. It was already after midnight. James agreed that we should call it a day and he offered me to walk me home.

»You don't have to do that! «, I protested. »I'm perfectly capable of walking alone. «

»I know that but I'd still like to make sure that you get there safely. «

I was already about to talk back when he muttered a pleading, »Please? « and I couldn't bring myself to refuse any longer. We mostly walked in silence but it was a comfortable kind of silence and I found myself hoping that we would see each other again. We arrived at the school and I stopped, unsure of how to say goodbye properly.

»Well…«

»Well…«

»Yeah. It was…you know…nice. «, I finally said and James smiled rather shyly.

»Yeah, I think so too…« he hesitated. »Do…I mean…Do you think we could do that again, sometime? «

»Maybe. «, I decided and smiled back. We shared a rather awkward hug and I turned around to enter the house.

»Good night, Evans. «, I heard James behind me.

I stopped at the door but didn't look at him.

»Good night, Potter. «


	6. Forsake not the dream

**Forsake not the dream**

 **James**

It's been a month since that first date with Lily. There had been a few since then but we had agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone yet. She was perfect. Not just in looks, I had known that since the age of 11 but as a person. Incredibly intelligent but also kind and caring and strong and funny and with every date that we had I felt like falling for her all over again, every time because of something else. The most interesting part about her was what was hidden behind her beautiful but fierce mask; I had learned quickly that deep inside she was a girl that craved affection and love. Someone that was afraid of rejection and never satisfied with a herself. From what I had gathered she had never had a boyfriend which was hard to believe because who wouldn't want to go out with a girl like that?! But I couldn't bring myself to talk about it yet; things were just too fragile at the moment but I was happy nevertheless. However, I had my suspicions of course. There was Remus. Whenever he was mentioned there was something in her eyes that lit up and her words became more carefully and she was more likely to change the subject but I did notice of course. More than once I wondered about the nature of their friendship and about Snape's role in it. Lily never seemed keen on talking about that part of her life and I had also noticed that Remus wasn't comfortable whenever it came up, _I wonder why…_

Remus. There was something about him…I had seen him a few times as well. Funnily, Sirius seemed to be avoiding him although every time I asked him about it he denied everything. But that was Sirius' business.

(15:25; from: Lily)

Hey. I hope I'm not interrupting anything but it's my sister's birthday next week and she's having some kind of party which I'm supposed to attend and my parents just allowed me to bring someone along. Would you maybe come with me?

I smiled. There was a pleasant warmth spreading inside me as I read the message again.

(15:26; to: Lily)

Sure. Id love that if its not a problem w/ ur parents and sister and all. Am i supposed to bring a present?

(15:26; from: Lily)

Great! It's not a problem and no you don't have to bring anything except maybe a lot of patience because my family is nuts.

(15:26; to: Lily)

Im best friends with sirius black, i think i can do patience ;)

The smile on my face didn't fade which earned me a funny look from Sirius who just entered my room, as usual, without knocking.

»What you're grinning at? «, he asked and fell next to me onto my bed.

»Nothing. «, I said. »And have you ever heard of the concept of knocking? I could be doing god knows what. «

»Might have heard of it, never really understood it though. «, he muttered.

»Right. Anything you wanted? «

»I'm bored! «

I rolled my eyes but chuckled. »What d'you have in mind? «

»Dunno. Something wicked. « We fell silent for a moment until Sirius suddenly sat up and looked at me with his typical Sirius – ish look. »I know! « he proclaimed. »Let's nick something of your parent's booze, go the Shack and get monumentally fucked up. We can ask Peter and the others as well. «

I looked at him for a long moment before I spoke. »Indeed that is a very good idea Padfoot, but you do realise that you're asking me to steel from my parents? «

»Totally. «

»Alright. «, I said. I hesitated a moment. »What about Remus? «

»What about him? «, Sirius asked without meeting my eyes.

»Well, I'm not stupid you know. I mean you don't have to tell me what happened but I did notice that you were kind of really close and now you barely speak. «

»Your right, I don't want to tell you because there is nothing to tell. Things just got a bit weird and I figured that it would be best to go out of his way for a bit until they're not weird anymore. «

»Weird...how? «

»I dunno, just…weird. « Sirius said, obviously uncomfortable. I frowned but decided to drop the topic. »Alright then, you get the booze, I'll tell the others. «

»Why do I have to get the booze? «

»Because it was your idea. «

 **Remus**

(16:05; from: James)

Hey mate, Sirius and i are having a small party at my place 2nite. u in?

(16:05; to: James)

Sure, sounds good. Does Sirius know I'm coming?

(16:06; from: James)

Course he does. Hes the one that invited u ;)

 _Did he, now?_ I frowned at my phone. He had hardly spoked during the last month; so why would he invite me to some party all of a sudden? _Maybe he's sorry. Maybe he didn't mean it._ I shook my head trying to get rid of the nagging voice that kept telling me to phone Sirius for weeks now. I had an idea of course, of why he acted so strange. It had started after that day he had found me in the Shack, after all.

I got off the bus and opened the door to the flat. I had just been to another appointment with Dr. Dumbledore and still felt a bit shaky. It had been over two months now since the _Incident_ but I could feel something like a difference. It did me good to actually talk about me and my feelings to someone impartial and I had even started writing on the suggestion of Dumbledore. I had taken part in various poetry slams but I had always avoided to actually say something about me because writing it down and saying it out loud made it real. However, now that I was learning to talk about it and to deal with my feelings, writing it down was strangely satisfying and felt even good. There was an upcoming slam in the following week and I had asked Lily if she might want to accompany me, like she always did; she couldn't because of Petunia's birthday. After having a shower, I looked over my text once again. It was weird. Everything I had written down was true but reading it again, it felt like he words of a stranger. I still had to think of a suitable end which I found particularly difficult because it would have an impact on the whole meaning of the text.

 _Knock, knock._ I looked up and saw Dorcas, standing in the door.

»Hey you. «, she greeted me with a smile. »How do you feel? «

»Okay. « I answered. My flatmates and I had become quite good friends for what I was very grateful.

»You going to the Potters tonight as well? «, she asked and I nodded. »Okay. Just wanted to check. Are you sure you're alright? «

»Yes, really. It's fine. «

»Alright. «

Four hours later I found myself sitting on the sofa in the cramped living room of the Potter Mansion with a cider in my hand. There were quite a lot of people and I didn't even know the names of half of them. Lily was there of course, then Peter, Marlene and Dorcas but also old friends of James and Sirius. I had had a short conversation with a couple named Molly and Arthur, there was a bold guy named Kingsley and twins, apparently Molly's brothers, Gideon and Fabian. My head was spinning a bit, everything was too loud and tool full and too hot. I felt my heart speeding up and my hands began shaking ever slightly. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and stood up, fighting my way through the crowd towards the door. Once I was outside in the garden I took a deep breath. I could hear the voices and music from behind me but apart from that everything was peaceful. The air was still warm and the full moon shone down on me.

»Are you okay? «, An only too familiar voice behind my back made me jump. Sirius stood in the dark, watching me. I nodded before I turned my back on him again. Steps. Suddenly Sirius stood next to me. »I owe you an apology. «, he said. I chose to say nothing and after a while he continued. »You didn't do anything wrong you know. Just in case you've been wondering – and I'm fairly sure you have because that's just what you do – it wasn't you. I should've called or something but I was afraid that things would be weird between us after – after what happened. «. Sirius finished and we remained silent. He stood much closer than necessary and I could feel his arms occasionally brushing against mine whenever he raised his hand to drink from his beer.

»I meant it, you know. «, I finally said. »What I said about not being sorry about what happened. You should have said something if that made you uncomfortable. «

From the corner of my eye I could see Sirius turning his head to look at me. It was a calculating look but there was something else. Something deeper.

»You mean you would do it again? « Sirius asked. His voice sounded unsure, a sound very unfamiliar coming from Sirius Black.

I nodded and finally looked at him. »I would. «.

He started biting his lips and I was tempted to raise my hand to make him stop but I didn't. Instead, Sirius stopped by himself and placed a shy peck on my lips. Our eyes met again and after a short, silent exchange of consent he kissed me again, this time with more passion; deep and longing. I could taste the beer in his mouth and it was too wet and too much teeth. It was perfect and I suddenly realised how much I had missed his lips and his body and those tender hands on my skin. Reluctantly I drew back, there was still something I needed to know. »Wait. « I whispered. »Before we do this…I don't want things to get weird again, like you said, so…what is this? Just casual, right? «. I asked, hoping that my voice wouldn't give away my true feelings. I could do casual, or could I? _– Shut up!_ Sirius nodded and drew my lips onto his again for another kiss.

 **Sirius**

 _Just casual, right?_ Remus' words kept echoing in my mind. It felt so fucking good to be close to him again. His lips were soft and tasted like cider and his body pressed warm against mine.

 _Just casual, right?_ I kissed him deep. Trying to take him, make him mine for the time being because I knew that that would never happen. He didn't want anything serious, he had made that clear on more than one occasion.

 _Just casual, right?_ My hands slid down on Remus' back, grabbing his arse. He let out a soft moan and we went quickly upstairs to my room.

It was the middle of the night when I woke up. Remus lay next to me, arms folded around me and his face snuggled into my neck. I didn't dare to move, afraid that I might wake him up so I just lay there in the dark and listened to his breathing. I still wasn't sure what I was supposed to think about him. About us. _There is no 'us'!_ I had missed Remus quite a lot during the last month; missed his touch and his mouth and those tender, brown eyes and his voice. Calm and intelligent. I had also found myself not thinking of James anymore. I watched Remus in the light of the full moon that fell into my room. He looked so peaceful. Almost happy. His skin was pale and his hair stuck to his sweaty forehead. He looked beautiful.

»That's creepy, you know. «, a dull voice mumbled from my neck and I winced. I hadn't noticed that he was awake. »What is? « I asked back.

»You watching me in my sleep. «, he shifted and looked me in the eyes. There was a faint smile on his lips and I smiled back. »I have a question. «, He said after some time of silence. »I sometimes take part in those poetry slams on the Three Broomsticks and there is one next week and usually Lily would come with me but she can't because it's her sister's birthday, so I was wondering, would you like to be my moral support? «

»Are you asking me on a date, Remus Lupin? « I asked with a grin.

»I might be. «

»Then I might accept. «

I placed a soft kiss on his forehead and we sat in silence once again; comfortably snuggled together.

When I woke up again I was highly confused at first. There was something…Something was entirely wrong. I kept my eyes closed but I could still feel the sunlight shining through my window onto the empty space – I opened my eyes. Next to me there was…no one. I stared at the pace where Remus had been the previous night and an odd feeling took over. I shouldn't be surprised, really. It was just another one - night stand after all, but still…I was – disappointed? Hurt? I shook my, »Stop thinking such rubbish! «.

»You talking to yourself? «

My head spun around at the sound of the voice behind me. A smiling and half – naked Remus entered the room, a towel wrapped around his hips and his hair still wet. I enjoyed the view for a long moment before I put on my most charming smile, »I need a competent opinion once in a while. «. Remus chuckled and sat down on the bed, his face became strangely serious. »You thought I was gone. «, He said matter – of – facty.

»What? No! I didn't – I wouldn't - «, I stuttered but stopped myself just in time before I said something stupid. »No. « I repeated and then decided that it was time to change the subject. »Do you want breakfast? «

Remus looked at me thoughtfully before he smiled and nodded. I went downstairs and generous ignored the remains of last night. The living room looked more like a battlefield and the sleeping people on the floor like dead soldiers; the kitchen hardly looked any better but at least here was no one I could have stepped on by accident. I quickly made tea and some toasts with butter and jam and returned to my room. While I had been gone, Remus had dressed himself and was now standing in front of the book shelve which must have been very interesting because he winced when I raised my voice. »Hungry? «.

 **James**

 _Ohmygod!Ohmygod!Ohmygod!Ohmygod!_

I lay on the floor. The sun threw bright light through the curtains and my head felt like it had been smashed against the wall several times.

 _Ohmygod!Ohmygod!Ohmygod!Ohmygod!_

Images of the previous night came back to me. »Oh. My. _God_! «. Lily's bright hair. Her smile. Her wonderful, wonderful, green eyes. We had talked a lot and there had been a hell of a lot of alcohol and we had both been drunk and then she had kissed me. She had kissed me and then – Then?

»Good morning sleepy head. «. A very awake Lily sat on my bed and smiled down on me. I raised my head a bit what I immediately regretted. »Urgh. «, I let my head lay down on the floor again. Lily snickered and got off my bed. »Take this. It should help against the headache. «, she handed me a glass of water and a Paracetamol which I took gratefully. Carefully, I got up and slurped to the bathroom. After vomiting and having a shower I felt almost like a human being again and returned to my room. Lily was still there, making the bed, she blushed slightly when she noticed that I was watching her.

»How do you feel? «, she asked, not meeting my eyes.

»Better. «, I grumbled and sat down on the mattress. »Er - «, I started but stopped, not knowing what I should say. »Last night - «

»You were pretty drunk. «, she said amused.

»Right. Sorry for that. «

»Oh don't be. It was…entertaining. « I raised an eyebrow at her and she continued. »You declared your undying love for the houseplant downstairs, then you started reciting Shakespeare and singing ABBA songs. You danced with Xenophilius and you also wanted to dance with me, but – «, she hesitated but I knew exactly what she was about to say.

»I kissed you. «, I whispered.

»You did. «

»And you didn't slap me. « There was a shadow of a smile on Lily's face. »Why not? «

Lily shrugged and then answered, »I honestly don't know. It was kind of cute. You got all embarrassed and clumsy and, well, I might have taken a bit of pity on you but mostly I just wanted to know what it's like to be kissed.

»Right. I'm sorry, I – wait. «, I frowned, recalling what she had just said. »What d'you mean 'what it's like to be kissed'? You mean you've never been -? You never had -? «. Lily shook her head. »But why? You're gorgeous Lily. And I'm not saying that because I want to flirt with but because you are. You are the most beautiful person I know and you could have anyone! «

Lily blushed lightly at my words, »Well maybe I didn't want anyone. «

That was when something inside me clicked. »You're in love with Remus. I've been wondering you know; I might be an obnoxious brat half of the time but I'm not that stupid. «. Lily looked up and met my eyes. She didn't need to say anything for me to know that I was right. She looked a bit scared and embarrassed but mostly sad. »I know that it's stupid. « she just said.

»No it's not. «, I tried to comfort her. »It's not like you can choose your feelings, is it? «

»What about Sirius? «, she suddenly asked.

I blinked. »What about him? «

Lily smiled at me, »You just said it yourself, you're not that stupid. You know what. «, her eyes were piercing right through me and I felt like she was looking directly at my soul. I shrugged. »Maybe. We've always been best friends. He's my brother and I love him like one but apart from that…he knows that there would never be more than just deep friendship. «

»I know too that Remus is gay and that I can only be his best friends and yet…«, her voice faded but she still looked at me and I was unable to look away. Close. Much too close.

 **Remus**

»Hungry? «, Sirius' voice behind my back makes me jump. I hadn't heard him entering the room but there he was, standing in the door and holding a plate with sandwiches and two cups of tea. I smile at him and we both sit down on his bed.

»You meant it didn't you? «, Sirius suddenly asked. »When you asked about that poetry slam? «

I looked up in surprise. What was it that made Sirius so insecure lately? »Of course I did. «

»Good. «, he said with a smile and continued eating.

I frowned slightly but decided not to say anything; maybe I was just imagining things. My thoughts went back to the previous night. It had felt so good, being close to Sirius again. Feeling him. Touching him. I had had a few relationships in the past but none of them had lasted longer than six months; they became tired of my mental health condition sooner or later but maybe Sirius was different, maybe – _he is not interested in something like a relationship, in the first place._ Something must have changed in my facial expression because suddenly Sirius looked at me in a quite concerned way. »You okay? «, he asked and I managed a smile.

»Yeah. «. He still didn't look completely convinced. »I was just thinking of my mum. »I lied.

»Oh. What about her? Have you talked to her by now? «

»Yeah. « I shuddered at the memory of that conversation. »I visited her the other day but Fenrir was there and you know how he is. I could barely say that I moved out. I assured her that it wasn't her fault and that I just needed some time and space on my own. She was quite disappointed I think but she didn't say much and then Fenrir decided that I had had enough time to explain and practically threw me out of the house. «

»I'm so sorry. «, Sirius mumbled. »I wish I could help you. But the thing is…I don't even know how you feel. I was never welcome at my family's house. I was never a proper Black so they already abandoned me at the age of ten, so to speak. I can't imagine what it must be like to have parents you love and that love you back and then lose them but I can imagine that it must be horrible. «

»It is but - «, I hesitated. This was something I always felt uncomfortable talking about. »Well, it doesn't matter now anyway, does it? «

»Don't say that. «

»Why not? «

»Because it does. It makes you feel bad therefore it matters. Please don't think that you or your feelings are not valuable because they are. You are. «. Sirius voice was soft and his eyes were fixed on mine.

»Thanks. It's hard for me to believe that but…thanks. «

»Then I will believe it for you until you can. «. There was an encouraging smile on Sirius' face. It was astonishing, the hundreds different ways Sirius was able to smile; I loved them all.

»You know that you can't heal me, right? « I said in a low voice. »You can't save me. Nobody can, except me. But that doesn't mean that your friendship won't make a difference, because it does. To me it does. It changes everything and I'm grateful but please don't expect me to be good all of a sudden. «

I didn't know what I had expected but certainly not that Sirius grabbed my hand. »I wouldn't do that Moony. I know that you have a mental illness and like all illnesses they don't go away over night. I'm just saying that I believe in you, even if you don't and I will be there whenever you need me. You're my friend and friends are there for each other. « His eyes. Grey, stormy eyes, were still fixed on mine and his hand still rested on mine and I suddenly realised that my vision became blurry and there were hot tears running down my cheeks but I couldn't help but smile. Through the vail of tears I saw Sirius smiling back at me and there was a hand on my face, gently wiping away the tears. My gaze dropped and fell upon our hands; Sirius seemed to realise what he was doing quickly drew back his hand, slightly blushing. He stood up and cleared his throat, »We – er – we should probably start cleaning up the house. Or I should anyway. « And then he turned around, stepping towards the door. My mind was racing, I knew that I was about to do something really, really stupid but I did it anyway. I hurried after him and before Sirius could reach the door I had placed one hand on his shoulder and spun him around, his eyes widened in surprise. I pressed my lips hard against his, I absently realised that Sirius back hit the wall or the door or something else and I pushed myself harder against his body, tongues entangled. Sirius moaned into my mouth and too late I realised that it had been, in fact, the door I had slammed him against and now Sirius stumbled backwards, pulling me with him onto the corridor. Someone laughed, Sirius pulled back, grinning at me, then his eyes fell upon something different and widened in shock and surprise. I just wanted to turn my head when I heard Lily's and Sirius' incredulous voices at the same time.

»Remus? «

»James? «

 **Lily**

I had absolutely no idea what had ridden me the previous night to kiss him; looking back it seemed like complete insanity. The conversation with James this morning was even worse. Although we had seen each other more or less regularly during the past month I had never had the desire to tell him that I had never been in a relationship; I had simply felt like that was none of his business. So, what had changed? _Nothing. Nothing's changed._ But that wasn't true now, was it? We had kissed. He had let me sleep on his bloody bed while he had laid down on the floor. I had just told him one of the most personal things about myself and now he looked at me with those eyes. The eyes- There were probably the most confusing thing about James Potter. They had a way of making you feel comfortable. _Look away. Just look away._ Nut I couldn't. I noticed that my mouth felt very dry. _Look away._

»I should – I should probably leave. «, I said in a rather unsteady voice.

»Yeah. Probably. «, James said.

Neither of us moved and there were still those eyes. He was so close and it would have been so easy to just reach out and kiss him, to touch him but I didn't. That would be weird, wouldn't it?

»Right. Then - «

»Right. «

We still didn't move and just sat there, staring at each other, when suddenly James let out a frustrated groan.

»Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm going to kiss you now, okay? Please don't slap me. «, he mumbled and then there were his hands on my face and his lips on mine and it was so much better than last night because we were both sober and James seemed to be very sure of what he was doing. The kiss didn't last long. James pulled back and gave me a questioning look; I couldn't help laughing.

»Sorry. I'm not going to…you know…slap you. That was quite nice actually. «

And then we smiled at each other like idiots and I had to force myself to get off the bed.

»I should really go, though. My parents had no idea that I would stay here over night. I'll call you later, yeah? «

James stood up as well. He looked happy. »That really is a shame but I suppose there's nothing I can do about it, is there? At least let me walk you downstairs. «

»Oh, you don't have to - «, I began but was cut off by James lips. Kissing and walking backwards we entered the corridor when suddenly a door burst open and I head hysterical laugher. My arms still wrapped around James I looked to see what had happened and my eyes fell upon entangled mess off arms and legs and two bodies pressed against each other. It took me another moment to recognise who those two bodies were.

»Remus? « I asked unbelievable.

»James? «, Sirius' voice came from the knot of limbs.

James and I quickly stepped away from each other, so did Remus and Sirius, what followed was a very (very!) awkward silence.

»Right. Do I need to say that this is extremely awkward? « James asked after a while, which was answered by a snort of Sirius. »You just did. «, he pointed out and we fell silent once more. Finally, I decided that it was time to break up the whole situation. »Okay that was embarrassing and everything but could we maybe fast – forward to the bit where we just laugh about it because I really need to get home. «. The three boys looked at me, stunned and I wondered if I sat something wrong and then we all stood there and laughed.

»Alright Miss Evans, your word is our command. «, Sirius joked.

We went downstairs and found the living – room in a disastrous state. There were only three people left who were already getting started to clean up the biggest mess. Peter, Marlene and Dorcas looked up in surprise and relief when they saw us and I felt guilty for leaving.

»Alright guys. Thanks for that but I think Sirius and I will manage the rest. Go home and sleep a bit or something. «, James announced and I left together with Remus, Peter, Marlene and Dorcas.

 **James**

»So…«, I started, while Sirius and I got rid of the last remains of the party. »Remus and you? «. I couldn't see him but I knew the face Sirius was pulling right now only too well.

»I could ask you the same question. Evans and you? «, his voice sounded smug.

»You could. But I asked first. «, I knew that I was being childish but I really didn't feel like questioning that _thing_ I seemed to have with Lily now. Sirius was silent for a long time and I let him. We had finally managed to carry the sofa back into the house and fell down on it in exhaustion. »I can't tell you. «, Sirius said eventually; I furrowed my brow and he tried to explain, »It's just sex, I suppose. At least that's what he wants. «

»What about you? «

»What about me? You know me Prongs. I've never had an actual relationship. I've no idea how those things work and frankly, I don't know if I want to have an idea. «

I nodded. That was exactly what I had expected. Sirius rarely talked about his actual feelings but when he did they were never what one might suspect on first sight. The self – confident, slightly narcissistic, loud and drop dead gorgeous Sirius was only a mask; one mask of hundreds and thousands and it had taken me a long time to learn how to see through them. To know who Sirius really was; a man full of self – doubts and fears.

»Well, I know that you are used to casual sex and one – night stands but…«

»But? «

»Well…I'm not so sure about Remus. He seemed more like the romance kind of guy, doesn't he? «

Sirius shrugged. »It was him that suggested casual. I just went with it. «

»Oh. «, That really surprised me. »Okay. «

And that was it. My parents came home a while later and almost didn't say anything about the party. Almost.

»James? «

»Yes mum? «

»Why is the houseplant missing half of its leaves? «

I believed that my face must have turned exceptionally red and I was glad that my mother couldn't actually see my face.

»Er – that, er – You know…there was…kind of…an accident…«

»An accident? «

»Yes. «

»James Potter, do you think I'm somewhat stupid? «, her voice was a mixture of amusement and anger and I tried to stay as far away from her as possible.

»No? «

»I did notice that all the alcohol is gone and I also did notice that the house looks as if a certain someone had just cleaned it rather hastily, so I believe I am right to assume that that 'accident' happened during a little party yesterday night while we were gone? «

»Maybe? «

She opened her mouth as if to say something else but in that moment my dad came in, »Euphemia, love, give the boy a break. That plant was hideous, anyway. «

Mum shot my dad a murderous glance and I tried to back away as inconspicuous as possible.

»Hideous? «, I heard the dangerously low voice of my mother. »You think that plant was hideous? «

I had finally reached the stairs and found a snickering Sirius sitting on them.

»You're still alive then. «, he said with a wide grin.

»That was your bloody idea. «, I growled, which made Sirius' grin even wider.

»It was, wasn't it? And a good one, I must say. We should do it again sometime. «, he blew me a kiss and fled out of the house, a few minutes later I could hear the roaring of his motorbike.


	7. Take me out

The Title to this chapter as well as the lyrics later on are taken from Franz Ferdinant's song 'Tage Me Out'.

Full lyrics can ce found here: .

The poem is my own. I never did that kind of thing in englisch so...sorry I guess.

* * *

 **Take me out**

 **Remus**

»Okay Remus, I believe that this was the last time we see each other. How do you feel? «, Dr. Dumbledore sat in his chair, looking at me over his half – moon – spectacles, like he always did. I took a moment to think before I gave my answer, »Better, actually. I don't dream anymore. I know what to do when I get a panic attack and yesterday I have locked away my knife. «

Dumbledore nodded, obviously satisfied. He smiled at me, »Just because this was our last session, doesn't mean that you are on your own pf course. You can call me at any time. «

I thanked him and left the hospital. I felt free. It was a strange feeling and I didn't quite dare to indulge myself in it but it was there and that was a start.

The way home on Saturday had been rather awkward. Lily and I had kept glancing at each other but neither of us had dared to say something; I couldn't blame her. I didn't really want to speak about Sirius and me and I could perfectly understand that she didn't want to be questioned about James. Poor Peter and the girls were quite confused, seeing us like that, all silent and embarrassed but they didn't say anything either.

(16:05; from: Padfoot)

We r still on for 2nite right?

(16:05; to: Padfoot)

Course we are. What time can you be there?

(16:06; from: Padfoot)

Any time u want ;)

(16:06; to: Padfoot)

6? Can you pick me up?

(16:06; from: Padfoot)

Sure thing. Mind if i come earlier tho?

(16:06; to: Padfoot)

Course not. When?

(16:07; from: Padfoot)

Now?

I laughed at my phone at was just about to type an answer when the bell rang. I opened the door and Sirius came up the stairs, smiling at me with his beautiful, infatuating smile. It was hard to tell if he made an effort today of if it was just his usual talent to look stunning in every situation. He wore skinny, black jeans and a deep red shirt, sleeves tucked up, with a loosely bound tie and a black vest; his hair fell onto his shoulders in long, elegant waves.

»Sorry, to attack you like that. «, he greeted me, with _that_ smile.

»Nah, that's alright. Wasn't doing much anyway. «, which was a lie but I just couldn't bring myself to sweep that smile off his face. We went inside and I put the kettle on.

»So. «, I heard Sirius' voice somewhere behind my back. »You really are full of surprises, you never said you did slam poetry. «, he sounded amused and I could almost see him grinning.

»Yeah, well, must have slipped my mind. «

»Obviously. «

I handed him a cup of tea and we sat down on the sofa. »Are going to show me your text or do I have to wait? «

»You'll have to wait, I'm afraid. Don't want to spoil the surprise, do I? «, I made sure that I didn't look at him, but from the corner of my eye I could see him smirking at his cup.

»Tease. «

»You love it. «

The door opened and Peter came in, apparently talking to Marlene on the phone.

»Yes love, I did - No. No, of course not, would you – right – Alright, alright, honey, I – yes – _Yes_ – Of course, I love you too. «

He let out a dramatic sigh and came over to Sirius and me. »Hey guys. Guess who just got forced into a family dinner. «, he said, looking rather miserable.

»Oh. Sorry, mate. « I said sympathetically. »Is her family that bad? «

Peter shrugged. »I wouldn't know. Never met them. «

I blinked. I tried hard to remember what he had said about their relationship, »Wait. Didn't you say that you guys were dating since - «

»Almost a year. Yes. «, Peter finished my sentence.

»What? «, Sirius sounded like it took him a lot of energy not to laugh. »You've been dating for a year and you've never met her family? «

He shrugged again. Obviously unable to responded anything to that. We talked a bit longer about families and dinner parties but for some reason or another that conversation rather consisted of awkward silence than actual talking, since neither Sirius nor I were particularly eager to talk about our families.

»Oh, bugger. «, Peter suddenly said, his eyes fixed on the clock. »I have to go, pick up Marlene. See ya. «, and practically stormed out of the flat. I chuckled and threw a glance on the clock as well. 17: 30.

»Alright. I'll get a shower and then we would have to go as well. «, I explained to Sirius and left the room.

 **James**

I felt like I was slowly going mad. Time seemed to pass but I didn't even notice it going by; it had been 12 o'clock and I had been in the bathroom taking a shower and then it had suddenly been 2 p.m. and I found myself in my room still looking for something to wear and talking to Sirius about god knows what and now it was 6 p.m. and I had absolutely no idea what I had done the previous four hours. I looked into the mirror one last time and immediately wished I hadn't. My hair was a mess. It was always a mess but I always didn't care. _This_ was not always. _This_ was one of the most important days of my life; or so it seemed. I knew that was rubbish. Lily had invited me as a friend. Not more and not less. It wasn't like we were dating. We weren't. The bell rang and I jumped.

»James! It's Lily! «, my mum shouted from downstairs and I hurried out of my room. Apart from my hair I looked okay, at least that's what I hoped. I had eventually decided to go for the casual look; blue jeans, beige long sleeve and a black coat. I could still hear Sirius laugher while I had dug through my clothes he had sat on the bed, finding it particularly funny that I would make such a fuss over my look. I hadn't told him where I would go, his teasing would have just been worse if I had.

»Hello, Lily. «, I greeted her. As expected, she looked marvellous. Her bright, red hair was bound back in an elegant knot and she wore a green dress.

»Hello, James. «

There was an uncomfortable silence and I was distantly aware that ma parents stood in the door to the living – room, watching us.

»You look amazing. «, I said quietly and gave her a quick hug before I pushed her out of the house as gently as possible, »See you tomorrow. « I shouted over my shoulder.

»Have fun. «, and then I shut the door.

»Sorry for that. «, I murmured but Lily just smiled at me.

»It's alright. My parents won't be any different. Just be yourself. «

 _That's what I'm afraid of._ I thought but I knew better than to actually say it. Lily  
s dad waited in the car in our driveway; it was a small, old car and looked slightly misplaced in this kind of neighbourhood but I truly couldn't care less.

»Hello, Mr. Evans. «, I said, as I got into the back of the car.

»Hello James. It's nice to meet you. Lily told me all about you and your friends. «, Lily's father said conversationally.

»Did she? «, I threw a side glance at Lily but she looked straight out of the window, fighting back a smile. »Well, I'm sure it's all lies. The bad stuff anyway. «

»All lies you say? Then you did not risk your live to save Severus Snape? «

»I – excuse me? «, I gaped at Mr: Evans, who's eyes were, of course, fixed on the road. Lily still avoided my look but I could see her blushing.

»Lily told me, «, the father continued. »That you jumped into the river to save him from drowning. That is a very brave thing to do. «

Now it was me who was blushing. »Thank you, sir. «, I muttered and was quite glad that that was the only conversation we had during the drive.

 **Sirius**

It was nearly seven when Remus and I reached 'Three Broomsticks'. I had never been there before but I could tell why Remus liked it. It was cosy and warm and smelled like chocolate. Three was a tiny stage in one corner and people were crowding up in front of it already. Remus had refused to show me his text and I was really curious now; and also a little nervous but that, I would never admit to loudly.

»Alright, ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to Rosmerta's Poetry Rounds, my name is Lee Jordan and our first guest is Remus Lupin! «, a young man with dark skin and long hair stood on the stage, obviously enjoying himself and was now welcoming Remus.

»Heiya. «

»Alright then, loads of fun with our first poet! «

People clapped and it became clear that most of them knew Remus.

»Alright everyone. Before I start, I'd like to say something. Some of you might have noticed that this is the first slam since a few months. The reason why I haven't been here, is because I was in the hospital. Two months ago I tried to kill myself. Today was my last session with my therapist. This poem, «, he held up the sheet or paper in his hand. »Is my way to finish this chapter of my life. «

The entire pub had gone silent. I could practically hear them breathing, eyes fixed on Remus and I was no exception. He began reading,

 _You say I look tired_

 _I say nothing_

 _I_ am _tired_

 _You say I look sick_

 _I say nothing_

 _I_ am _sick_

 _You say I looked stressed_

 _I say nothing_

 _I_ am _stressed_

 _I'm tired of being tired._

 _I'm sick of being sick._

 _I'm stressed from my stress._

 _But I say nothing._

 _See, as a child I was afraid of the monster under my bed_

 _Growing up, I've realized that the monster really lives inside my head_

 _Every dream and every thought is nourishment for its sharp, long teeth_

 _And now_ I _am starving_

 _And every memory, every happy moment is prey for its claws_

 _And now_ I _am bleeding_

 _In my head there is a war._

 _I am my own brother in arms_

 _And united I stand in the battle against myself_

 _I have become my enemy number one_

 _Took myself as a hostage and now I am negotiating my own life_

 _But there will be no victory._

 _In my head there is a storm_

 _The wind is blowing and whistling and raging and spreading myself all over the place._

 _Sometimes, I cannot hear my own thoughts over the noise in my mind_

 _My self – confidence is self – consciousness in disguise_

 _My insecurities are walls,_

 _build up high to the sky_

 _And every brick is a locked door_

 _But I forgot where I have put the keys_

 _My anxiety is an ocean_

 _and I don't know if I'm drowning or still diving_

 _My depression, is a never-ending autumn day._

 _The rain can't stop falling and everything's misty and hazy and grey_

 _You are right._

 _I_ am _tired._

 _I wake up in the morning and I'm afraid to be alive._

 _I_ am _sick._

 _I can't breathe because of the strangling panic in my throat. I am suffocating._

 _I_ am _stressed._

 _I need backup plans for my backup plans._

 _I overthink every conversation at least twice before I actually start it._

 _I have a schedule pinned to my wall, so I won't forget to brush my teeth._

 _But I'm still breathing!_

 _And when the walls are caving in around me,_

 _When I finally get washed ashore_

 _and the rain stops falling_

 _Then I will not say nothing anymore_

 _But for now, I refuse to let this be the end of me_

 _As a child I was afraid of the monster under my bed_

 _I know now that the monster really lives inside my head._

 _But I am not afraid of monsters anymore._

The pub was silent. It seemed like everyone had actually stopped breathing and now they all realized that they might need oxygen eventually. Then, one by one, everyone woke up from their trance and cheered loudly and enthusiastically. Remus met my eyes and beamed at me. A few minutes later I walked up to him and gave him a long, tight hug.

»You were brilliant! «

I saw him blushing and he looked like he was about to disagree, so I went on. »You were! You just talked about your mental illness in front of a bunch of total strangers…that was probably the bravest thing I've ever seen. «. I pulled him into a deep kiss and that seemed to melt all his doubts.

 **Lily**

The party had started off well. I loved my sister; she was my sister no matter how much of a bitch she could be but I had honestly no idea how I would survive this evening if it wasn't for James. He was fun. Real fun. We talked a lot and drank and then talked some more. I could tell that my sister and her friends did not approve of him but I couldn't care less. It was 10 p.m. now and I was far more drunk then I had intended to be; I emptied my beer and turned to James to ask if he wanted to have another drink, »You. «, I started. »You still owe me a dance. «. _Wait. What?! That's not what I wanted to ask…_

»Is that so? «. James was drunk too, probably even more than I and the expression on his face was total bliss. I nodded. _No. No that is not so! I don't want to – shut up!_ I saw myself, as I took James' hand and dragged him onto the dancefloor.

 _And if you leave here  
You leave me broken, shattered I lie  
I'm just a cross-hair  
I'm just a shot, then we can die_

Our eyes were fixed on each other and it seemed like everything around us slowly disappeared. I still knew that there were people, loads of people, talking and laughing and drinking and dancing around us but I couldn't see them. I couldn't hear them. I all I could see were James' brown eyes, all I could hear was the music takin control of my body.

 _I say don't you know  
You say you don't know  
I say... take me out!_

I smiled. James smiled back and for the split of a second I could make myself believe that maybe, just maybe, this could actually be real.

 _If I move, this could die  
If eyes move, this can die  
I want you... to take me out!_

He was so close again. So close. And there was something in his eyes…honesty. Could it be that he actually did like me? _James Potter? Me? Certainly no –_ But my thoughts were cut off by a pair of soft, sweet lips and all I could do was kiss back.

 **Sirius**

I could feel Remus' body relaxing in my arms as he gave in to the kiss and replied it passionate.

»Well, well, well, if that is not the traitor himself. «, a snarling voice spoke behind my back. »Fucking faggot. «

I turned around and saw a group of people standing in the shadows; I knew most of them.

»Tom. «, I said angrily. »What a pleasure to see you again. «

I let my eyes trail and saw loads of familiar faces. There was my cousin Bellatrix, her boyfriend Rudolphus, Lucius and Barty and lurking in the background I could spot Snape and my brother. The sight of Reg in the company of those people gave me a painful sting. »Now this is nice. «, I declared. »Just like the old times, eh? «, I could feel my blood boil but I was also well aware of Remus who was a bit too quiet and I was worried that he might be having a panic attack. Blindly I searched his hand with mine and squeezed it lightly. »What do you want? «

Tom Riddle, the leader of the group, snorted contemptuously. »You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Not only have you put great shame on your family name but you also display disgusting behavior in public. Isn't that right Regulus? «, he addressed my brother who was now forced to step forward. »Don't you want to punish your brother for the betrayal he did to you and your family? «. In the dim light I could see my brother tense up. He looked at me undecided and there was a shade of reluctance and regret in his eyes. I looked around but no one seemed to pay any attention to us, before I met my brother's eyes again.

»Go on then, Reg. « I said softly. »Do whatever you think is right. «. I let go of Remus hand and stepped forward, now standing directly in front of Regulus.

»Do it, Reg. «, I heard Bellatrix's voice. »Do it or I will. «, there were laugher all around us but I had only eyes for my brother who still seemed to be fighting with himself. I smiled at him. »You don't have to be here, you know. I've already told you, there is always a place for you where you can go. «. I knew that it was risky and probably unwise to openly ask him to run away from all this but I just didn't know what else to do. The laugher immediately fell silent at my words.

»What did you say? «, Tom asked me. His voice threatening and very low.

»Nothing that would concern you. «, I answered without looking at him.

»I'm sorry. «, Regulus mouthed at me before he raised his fist and charged. There was shocked gasp behind my back. Laugher from the other boys. Regulus' fist hit my face with full force and my head was thrown back. I lost my balance and staggered backwards; a strong pair of arms caught me and I didn't even have to turn around to know that it was Remus.

»Oi you lot! «, _finally!_ I thought, _someone noticed._ And indeed, only seconds later, Madame Rosmerta herself approached us furiously and Tom's little gang hurried outside.

»Oh sweet Jesus are you alright my dear? «, she asked, examining my face closely.

»Yes, yes, I'm fine. Sorry about that. «

»Now you've got nothing to be sorry about, it's those buggers that should apologize, really, do they have no shame? «. She treated us to another beer and Remus and I withdrew to some quite corner; Remus kept throwing worried glances at me. »I'm alright, really. «, I repeated. »I should have expected something like that ever since I left home. It's just shit that they chose tonight out of all nights. «

»Do you want to leave? We don't have to stay here y'know. «

I smiled at him. It was sweet how much he seemed to care. Our eyes met again. Brown against grey. Calm and knowing against stormy and piercing. A single strand of hair fell into his face and there was a fine, almost invisible scar running down the side of his hose; my eyes followed that thin line and fell upon his full, red lips. Tender. Flawless. I noticed that our hands lay only inches apart and I had the sudden urge to reach over, to bridge those inches and to hold Remus' hand. I startled. Why exactly would I want to hold his hand? Couples did that. We were not a couple. I didn't want to be part of a couple.

»Come back. «, Remus' voice dragged me out of my thoughts. I blinked and stared at his smiling face. »You zoned out there for a second. «

»Oh yeah, sorry, just…thinking. «

»Don't overstrain yourself. «, he mocked me and I gave him a nudge but I smiled nevertheless.

»Let's go, alright? «, I asked softly. Remus nodded, we left the pub and I got hold of his hand once again.

 **James**

I was distantly aware that Lily and I stood in the middle of the dancefloor, surrounded by her whole family but I truly couldn't care less. I also realized that both, Lily and I were distinctly drunk. _Just why does this only always happen when there is alcohol involved?_ I mused but that proved to be rather difficult since Lily Evans was kissing me. Or rather snogging. After one wonderful eternity, we came up for air, breathing heavy, lips red and swollen. We still stood way to close to each other and I could feel Lily's soft skin under my palms, her lean body was pressed against mine. I looked down at the her and smiled, leaning in for another kiss. She didn't pull back. Her hands tightened around my waist, pulling me even closer.

Somehow, I found myself in a dimly lit bedroom, pressed against the wall and Lily's hands all over my body. We were drunk and I knew there was something I should remember, something important but my head was empty and Lily didn't stop me as I took off her dress, she – _Oh. My. God. Is that her hand?_ – undid my belt and slit her hand inside the trousers. I could hear myself drawing in my breath, holding it, trying desperately to stay quite because I was sure that the people outside would not be so fond of what we were doing. I was as hard as I had never been before and I could tell that at this point Lily was also ready to do everything. Suddenly, she led me away from the wall and pushed me onto the bed, sitting herself down on my lap. She moved her hips and I moaned, »Oh fuck, Lily, please, you're killing me here. «. She smiled mysteriously and kissed me again. A few moments later I was naked, although I had no idea how that had happened and Lily was naked too and she sat down on my cock and it was tight and warm and perfect and I loved her.

 **Remus**

I woke up early in the morning. The sun was just fighting its way through the thick layer of clouds and everything seemed quiet and peaceful. Sirius lay next to me, arms wrapped around my chest and a faint smile on his face. The first raids of sunlight broke through and fell into the room. Sirius' black hair was shining in the light, his face seemed like something divine and precious, like the face of an angel. A dark, dangerous angel.

 _Shit._ My eyes widened. _Fucking, buggering, sodding, bloody, bollocks._ I had had a plan. I had had the plan _not_ to fall for Sirius Black.

 _Just casual, right?_

I had said it myself. It was just sex. Bloody good sex, sure but still just sex. Sirius did not want anything more. I didn't want anything more, or did I? Scenes from the previous weeks came back to me. Sirius and me in the Shack, Sirius and me at the party, Sirius and me yesterday in the pub. My stomach became somewhat wobbly and my heart sped up. Was it really just sex? _Don't think about it._ I told myself but I just couldn't stop. _Bloody plans. Never go as they are bloody supposed to._ The dark angel next to me shifted and I realised that I was still watching him.

»Moooony. «, Sirius mumbled. »Now who's the creep, watching others in their sleep? «. There was no bite in his voice and he smiled at me.

»How do you feel? «, I asked him, thinking of his brother and what had happened the previous night.

Sirius shrugged. »Dunno. Alright I s'pose. I feel a bit sorry for Reg but he'll be alright. He's tough. «

»He hit you. «, I pointed out but Sirius snorted.

»It wasn't bad. And he kind of had to didn't he? He's tough but he's also afraid. He loves our parents. «

»You love him. «

»He's my little brother. «, he said like that would be the explanation to everything. He hesitated, then said, »It was him that saved me. He helped me to get out of that house before dad would come back to finish the job. «

»I'm glad. «

Sirius looked at me and smiled again. I smiled back and tried to push that nagging feeling in my stomach as far away as possible. I would have to deal with those feeling but not now.

»Breakfast? «, I asked and Sirius grinned even wider.

»Sounds perfect. And I already know what it's going to be. «, he mumbled and pressed a sweet kiss on my lips. I kissed him back eagerly and soon found myself pinned down on the bed, trying not to make too much noise because I really didn't want to wake the others.

When Sirius left later that day I swallowed hard. I definitely hat to think of something because being in love with Sirius Black would not turn out good.


	8. Never doubt I love

**Never doubt I love**

 **Lily**

»Just a second! « I yelled through the closed door. I had occupied the bathroom the third time this morning and Petunia was getting angry. I couldn't blame her but I also couldn't help occupying it. I felt sick. In every sense of the word. I opened the door, my hand slightly shaking and looked at my highly annoyed sister who's face softened immediately when she saw me, »Oh my god, sis. Are you ok? Are you ill? «

»'m fine. Just something that didn't agree with me. Sorry. «, I mumbled.

»Alright. Go back to bed and tell me if you need something. «

I smiled. Petunia and I were certainly not best friends but we were still sisters and we grew up together and when it got tough we were there for each other. However, I was not going to go back to bed. I had a plan and I had to go through with it. I went to my room, got dressed, threw up a fourth time and then rushed out of the house into town.

 **Sirius**

I hadn't seen Remus for a whole week now. It was horrible. I had been busy because my uncle Alphard had died and I had to go to Wales were he had been living to deal with his lawyer and Alphard's will. As it turned out he had made me his heir and I now found myself with a huge mansion in Wales and more money than I could ever spend but I missed Moony. It was strange. We had seen each other so regularly over the last month that I had got used to it. To him. But there was that other part. The part that told me that I should break up things before it was too late. Deep down I knew that it had been too late the first time we had kissed. I had fallen in love with Remus Lupin and now I had to live with the consequences. I could understand of course why he didn't want anything serious. His past had been hard, his parents were awful and he was not well enough to risk that bit of mental health that he had gained during the last couple of months. And, of course, I would not be the first choice when it came to picking a boyfriend. I was fickle and reckless and I had never had a serious relationship. I was everything Remus should avoid and I knew that he deserved so much more than me; that was why I had to break things off with him. He had a right to know about my feelings because I had to understand why I couldn't life on like this any longer. The plane landed at the airport and I got into to taxi that was to drive me home. I switched on my phone and called Remus.

 **Remus**

»Hello my Moonbean. «

I groaned but my lips curled immediately into a wide smile. Just hearing Sirius' voice again made me happy.

»Hello Padfoot. How nice to hear your voice again. «

»Aww, did you miss me? «, Sirius mocked.

»Why of course Mr. Black. «

»Good. «

»You're a horrible person. «

»I know. Keeps me awake at night*. «

I chuckled. »Was there anything in particular you wanted or was it just to disrupt my well-earned peace? «

»You wound me Moony. How can you even think that I would need an excuse to make your life more exciting? «

»My life is very exciting thank you very much. «

»And I can make it even better. You free tonight? Wait, don't answer that, of course you are. That's why we will have a nice night out. «

»Will we, now? And what if I tell you that I'm already busy tonight? «

»Are you? «

»I might be. «

»You're a bloody liar, Remus Lupin. You're never busy. Besides, I wouldn't care if you were. I would come anyway. «

»Of course you would. «, I said gently.

There was a pause, then Sirius spoke again; »Moony? «, he asked. »I need to talk to you later. «, his voice had lost every playful undertone and I felt a strange, painful, sting somewhere near my guts.

I nodded, then remembered that Sirius couldn't see that through the phone. »Alright. «

»Alright. «, said Sirius. »See you tonight then. «

He hung up and left me with a weird feeling. I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about, had feared it for quite some time now but I was still not prepared for it.

A few hours later the doorbell rang and a very nervous Sirius entered the flat.

»So. «, he said and sat sown on the sofa. I said nothing so he was forced to continue. »So. I wanted to talk to you because, see, I had quite some time to think and, well, I was thinking a lot about this. «, he gestured in midair. »About us. « He looked at me. I still said nothing. Could I take this? I had known that thus wouldn't last. »And I know that you said yourself that this is just casual. Just sex. But the thing is, it had been just sex for quite some time now and, well…« _Go on, say it. I can take it._ »I'm not sure if we should really carry on with this because, the thing is - « _I can't._

»You're right. «, I blurted out. Sirius blinked.

»Huh? «

»I said, you're right. This is going nowhere. We should stop. It was great while it lasted but now we should stop. «, I said, carefully avoiding his eyes. Every word I said felt like a knife and I was sure that I would break down in tears every second, now. _Don't cry. Don't fucking cry._ I told myself, while digging my fingernails deep into my arms. Sirius was silent for a moment; then he nodded. »Right. «

»Right. «, I repeated. I really, really, really needed to be alone. »You should go now. «

»Are you sure - «

» - Yes. «, I cut him off and for the first time I met his gaze. He looked hurt and I felt like shit. Sirius seemed to struggle with himself but eventually, he got up and turned to the door. Before he left the flat he turned around one last time and opened his mouth, I waited but nothing came out of it. Were that tears in his eyes? Sirius closed his mouth again and left. The moment I heard the door click I broke down in tears.

 **Lily**

I felt still sick. This time though it was because of fear. I stood in front of the door to the Potter Mansion and stared at the bell. Should I ring? Should I not? It was the third time already that I stood in the steps; the first two times I had gotten cold feet and left again. I heard noise and turned around. Black's motorbike came rushing up the driveway. Sirius parked and took off the helmet. He looked at me in surprise but said nothing. He looked horrific. »Jesus, Black, you ok? You look terrible, what happened? «, I asked and was surprised by my own concern.

»Nothing. «, he said. »You here to see James? «

I was just about to say no but then decided against it. _Stop being such a coward._ I told myself. Sirius seemed to have taken my silence as consent and opened the door to let me in. We walked up the stairs without talking or even looking at each other and I began to wonder what it was that had gotten the famous Sirius Black in such a state. He entered his room and I was left alone on the corridor. Taking one last deep breath I knocked at James' door and walked in.

»Lily! «, he said in surprise. »What are you doing here? «

»I wanted to talk to you. «

»Okay. «, he said and sat up, looking at me expectantly.

»James, I - «, my phone rang. Remus. I gave James a apologetic look and answered.

»Hey Remy. «

Silence. I could hear unsteady breathing at the other end of the line.

»Remus? «

» _Lily? «_

»Yes, what is it? Is everything okay? «

» _No. «_

»What happened? «

 _»Sirius. «_

I frowned. Could that have anything to do with Sirius' mood? »Alright. What about him? Remus, honey, talk to me please. «

 _»I – I just - «_

»Did you have a fight? «

 _»No. Not exactly. «_

»Remus, I can't help you if you don't tell me what it is. «, I realized too late that I sounded annoyed. I winced at my one tone and I could practically feel Remus shutting down on me.

 _»It's nothing. I'm sorry I called. «_ , he said coldly.

»Wait, no, I'm sorry. Please, just – Remus? Remus? «

But there was no answer. The line was dead and I could feel a wave of cold fear washing over me. What had I done?

»What is it? «, James asked concerned.

»I'm not sure. He sounded dreadful, something about Sirius. «

»Sirius? «

I nodded and James jumped off the bed. I hesitated but then followed him out on the corridor. James barged into Sirius' room, »Spill. «, he said without any explanation. I stayed outside but I could hear every word that was spoken.

»What d'you mean? «, Sirius asked. His voice sounded dull. Unemotional.

»Remus. Lily says he's upset and you look like shit. Something's happened. «, that wasn't a question.

»We stopped seeing each other. «

»Why? «

»I don't fucking know. It's what he wanted. «

That surprised me. I had no idea wat exactly had been going on between the two of them but I did know that Remus had seemed very happy. Why would he want to break things off?

»Is it what he wants or did he just say that's what he wants? «, James asked.

»Where's the bloody difference? «, Sirius asked and I could only agree with him.

»The difference my friend is whether or not he actually wants it. Sometimes people say things they don't really mean. «

»And why would he say it? «

»Because, I think he loves you. «

 _What?_

»What? «

»Remus. He's in love with you. «

»Then why would he say he didn't want to see me again? «

»Because you're Sirius fucking Black. «, James said, like that was the answer to everything. Maybe it was. »You don't do love. You don't do relationships. You just fuck everything that is remotely attractive and you generally don't give a shit about other people's feelings. «

That was harsh but I supposed that it was true.

»But I – I «, Sirius stuttered. »I never – I would never hurt him – I – I never wanted this to happen. «, he sounded like he was crying. And to my surprise and shock I heard James laughing.

»Wow. I don't believe it. Sirius Black gives a shit. Never thought I'd see the day. You're in love with him, aren't you? «

There was a long pause, then, James spoke again. »Does he know that? Did you actually tell him that? «

»What do you think? «, Sirius sounded angry.

»Why not? «

»I was afraid, okay? «, he was almost shouting now.

»I know. And that is exactly why he didn't tell you either. Sometimes people hide their feelings because they don't want to scare others off. «

»Is that what you've been doing with Evans? Does she now you've been pathetically in love with her since the age of eleven? «

 _What?_

»This is different! «, James defended himself.

»It is not! The girl should know your intentions; don't you think?

»And what have your intentions been, eh? Didn't you just want a good shag to distract yourself from that pathetic crush you had on me? «, He shouted. »Oh, come on; don't look so shocked. Do you think I'm stupid? I knew because I know you. You're subtle but you can never lie to me. I don't want to fight with you Padfoot. I'm sorry. I know that I have not been the kind of best mate I should have been and you're right I was a bloody coward for not telling Lily how I feel just as you were for not telling Remus. «

There was a long pause now and I was just about to make a silent exit when Sirius spoke again. His voice was soft and full of regrets, »I'm sorry too. I should go, shouldn't I? I should find Remus and explain to him. «

»That you should. «

Steps. I had just enough time to back away into James room before Sirius hurried down the corridor and out of the house.

 **James**

It had been a bit of a shock to see Lily standing in my door. Her sister's birthday had been a month ago and neither of us had ever mentioned what had happened. I was scared that she might regret it because after all, I knew that it had been her first time. All that seemed unimportant now though. I was back in my room and Lily sat next to me on my bed. The conversation with Sirius had made me aware of a few things myself; first of all, I had to come clean Lily about my feelings.

»How much did you hear of that? «, I asked.

Lily blushed, »Pretty much everything. «

I nodded. That was what I had expected. »Sorry. «

»That's alright. I never expected you for an expert for feelings though. «

Now it was my turn to blush. »I'm not. I just know Sirius very well. He's my brother. «

»I suppose he is. I was impressed though. You said a few very clever things. «

»It was obvious. He just needed someone to point it out to him. He's a good guy and I have never seen him like this. Remus is good for him. He needs him. «

»They need each other. «

I nodded. They did. We sat in silence for a long time, then, my phone rang.

»Hey Pads. Could you find him? «

 _»No. I've no idea where to look. I - «_

»Wait a sec, I'll put you on loudspeaker, then Lily can hear too. «

Sirius waited for a moment. _»I've no idea where else to look. I was at his flat but no one knows where he's gone. I was at his parent's house, at the Shack, Tom's Tavern, The Three Broomsticks but he wasn't there either. I even found out Alice's and Frank's address but they say they haven't seen him in ages. What do I do? «_ , he sounded desperate and at the verge of tears.

»Sirius, «, Lily spoke. »Sirius calm down. Do you remember him ever speaking of some place or person he feels comfortable with? Or something that helped him? «

 _»His therapist, but - «_ , Sirius cut off himself. There a was a moment of silence in which we all had the same thought. _»He has to be there. I will just go to the hospital and then - «_

»Sirius. «

 _»What? «_

»Ten o'clock. He won't be at the hospital anymore. «

 _»Shit! Buggering, fucking hell! Bollocks! What do I do? Please, Lily, I'll do everything. Anything. Just, please tell me what to do. I'm so sacred for him. «_ , he definitely sounded like he was crying now and it broke my heart to hear him like that. Sirius never begged for anything.

»Stay calm. Just…breathe…James will found the address. «, she said and gave me a telling look. I immediately jumped off the bed and hurried to my desk. Five minutes later I had the address of Dr. Albus Dumbledore.

 _»Alright. Thank you. Both of you. I'll go and see him now. And Lily? «,_ Sirius added just before he was about to hang up. _»You're not so bad after all. «_

Lily smiled. She always said that she couldn't stand Sirius but I could tell that it made her happy to hear something like that, coming from him. We smiled at each other, then her face became suddenly quite serious. She cleared her throat, »James? There's something I need to tell you. The reason why I came here in the first place. «

She looked away and I wondered what it was that made her so uncomfortable. Terrified.

»I'm pregnant. «

 **Sirius**

The previous hours had felt like a very, very, very bad dream. I had meant to tell re mus about my feelings, but I couldn't and now he was gone. I was worried sick. My shouting match with James had left me confused and emotionally agitated. The phone call just now had not made things better. Lily had probably heard everything, yet, she still helped me finding Remus. I was grateful for that. The address James had given me was at the other end of town. Dumbledore lived in a small but very nice house. Everything was dark. I rang the bell and simultaneously wondered if I was doing the right thing. I rang again. The door opened and Dr. Dumbledore opened in a purple dressing gown.

»I, er - «, I stuttered, suddenly lost for words. »I'm sorry. «, I finally managed to say. Dumbledore smiled at me and let me in like it was not weird at all that strangers appeared at his door in the middle of the night. »I'm sorry. «, I said again. »You don't know me and I feel really bad to kick you out of bed like this but I didn't know where else to go. «

Dumbledore nodded but said nothing. »My friend. Remus Lupin. He's one of your patience and I know you're not allowed to talk about that but please, please tell me he's alright, Is he here? I've been looking everywhere for him because I made a horrible mistake and then he was gone when I wanted to apologize and I don't know where he is and I'm so fucking scared that he might do something stupid like hurt himself and I could never ever forgive myself if something happened to him because that would be my fault and I know that I'm babbling right now and I should probably just shut up but - «, Dumbledore held up his hand and I did shut up. His eyes were fixed on something behind me and I turned around. There in the door to another room stood Remus. He looked like he had been sleeping. His hair was messy and his eyes red and swollen.

»Remus. «

»Sirius. «

There was an awkward pause in which Remus and I simply stared at each other and I tried to figure out what exactly I was feeling. I was relieved and overly happy to see him but also scared. I had messed up and Remus would have every reason to hate me and I was not sure if I could take that.

»I believe this is a good time for tea. «, said Dumbledore suddenly and vanished into the kitchen.

I cleared my throat. »Remus, I - «, I hesitated. »I'm so sorry. I messed up. «

He frowned and I asked myself if I said the wrong thing. I continued, »I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for any of this to happen and if you hate me now I could perfectly understand that but please, I'm begging you, give me a second chance. «

»You didn't. «, Remus' voice was hardly more than a whisper and I wasn't sure if I had understood him rightly. »You didn't hurt me. That was me, I thought - «

»What did you think? «

»I thought that was what you wanted. You said you weren't sure anymore so I just said what I thought you were about to say anyway. «

»Remus, I…I'm fucking in love with you and it scares the shit out of me because I've never been in love. I didn't even believe in it until I met you and now – I would do anything for you. I said I weren't sure anymore because you deserve so much better than me. Someone loving and caring. Someone brave. I'm not brave. I'm a coward. «

»That's not true. You are brave. You were the one that held me when I was about to fall. You brought me back when I sat in the Shack. You stayed when I was miserable and grumpy. You're here now. You don't run away. That is brave. But…I don't know how you could even like me. I don't even like myself. «. There were tears rolling down his cheek and I carefully approached him to reach out and stroke his face.

»Then I will like you even more. «

»Sirius, you can't - «

»- Save you, I know. I'm not trying to. I love you, just like you are. We can do this together, though. You're not alone in this, you know. «

»I'm messed up. «

»So am I. «

»It won't be easy. «

»Easy is boring. «

He smiled. It was a weak smile but it was a smile nevertheless. I was still hesitant though. I had let him down. I had done something I had never meant to do and it had scared me. Was I capable of doing it again? Would I break his heart?

There was a sound behind my back and Dumbledore walked in with a big can of tea and we all sat down on the comfortable sofa and for the moment it was okay. Remus and I sat close to each other and halfway through the conversation he took my hand and gave me a shy smile.

 **Lily**

»I'm pregnant. «

The words hung in midair. I held my breath and I could feel my heart thundering in my chest. I did not dare look at James. What would he do? How would he react?

»Pregnant? «, he repeated. I nodded. »Jesus fucking Christ. You sure? No, wait, don't answer that, of course you're sure. Hell…I'm so sorry, this is my fault. «. I looked up in surprise. I had not expected this. »What? «, I asked. »How is this your fault? «.

»I shouldn't have had sex with you. You were drunk and you didn't know what you were doing and I should have said no or at least used a condom. I'm so sorry Lily. «

»James…I'm the one that should apologize. «

»You did nothing wrong. «

He seemed determined I had no nerves to fight with him now, »What are we going to do? «, I asked instead.

»That's your decision. Whatever you do, I'll be there for you. «

»You mean…whether I want to keep it or not? «, he nodded. I had thought about that of course. I had had the pregnancy test this morning and after that I had spent hours and hours thinking about my possibilities. I already knew what I wanted. »I want to keep it James. I can't – I don't want to - «, I felt tears in my eyes and turned away in shame. James wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug.

»It's okay. «, he whispered. »I'm here. It's okay. Like I said, it's your decision and if you want me to I'll be there with you and I'll support you. «

»What d'you mean, if I want you to? «

»You already know, don't you? You heard what Sirius said. It's true. I've been in love with you since I was eleven, I could wait a little longer if that's what you want but if you think that maybe – that is…if you would give me a chance I swear you will not regret it. «, he looked so vulnerable. So honest. I wondered how I could have ever hated this boy.

»I would give you a hundred chances. I might not feel so strongly yet but you're the father of my child. Our child. I'm glad you're there and I wouldn't want to change that for the world. «. He smiled back at me and kissed me. It was a sweet kiss full of emotions and affection. I pulled him even closer and enjoyed the warmth of his body, pressed against mine. Suddenly James pulled back.

»Marry me. «

»What? «

»Marry me. We're going to be parents. I love you more than anything and I know for sure that I want to spent the rest of my life with you. «

My head was spinning. It was all too much. He was serious. I could see it in his eyes. He wanted to marry me. He wanted to have a family with me, James Potter. James bloody Potter.

»I – Yes. Yes. « I said. _Wait, what?_ »I want that too. «. We kissed again. More eagerly this time. I could feel his hands on my skin, my heart beat faster and I felt endless bliss. This was real. It felt like a dream but it was real.

 **James**

I really had no idea what had ridden me to propose to Lily. I must have been mad. I would do it again. The happiness in her eyes. That smile on her lips. She had looked more beautiful than ever and I loved her. We were getting married. We would have a baby. We would be a family. I couldn't believe my luck. We lay naked in my bed. Panting and tired bout overly happy. I hadn't wasted much thought on my parents jet, who lay downstairs in their bed, hopefully still asleep. Neither had I thought about Lily's parents. I hardly knew them. That was something we would have to deal with later. I felt a little sting of guilt though. Remus was somewhere unknown and Sirius, worried sick, looking for him. _I should call him._ I thought dimly. _Make sure he's alright._ Lily lay in my arms. She was asleep. _I could still call him tomorrow._ Yes. Yes, that's what I would do.

* * *

*1: Teen Wolf fans will understand ;)


	9. Epilog

**Epilog**

 **Remus**

»Has someone seen my tie? «

»Do I look okay? «

»Are you _sure_ they said three and not four? «

»Where do I put the cake? «

»Do we have enough glasses? «

»Tables? «

»Chairs? «

»It's around your neck, love. «

»God I _hate_ this kind of things - «

I stood in the middle of the room, trying to keep track of what was happening around me. It felt like a hundred people were rushing back and forth, in reality it was maybe a dozen. The ceremony would be held at three o' clock. It was ten in the morning but everyone was going mad. Especially Sirius. James had asked him to be his best man end to hold a speech. Lily's and James' parents got along wonderfully but they were so worried about everything and somehow everyone was of the opinion that I was the one in charge. Suddenly Peter appeared at my side.

»If you're quick I can distract them long enough so that you can make an easy exit. «, he mumbled and I gave him a grateful smile.

»Oh. Is that Lily outside the window? «, he cried out and everyone rushed to the window. I used the opportunity to back away. Outside I took a deep breath. Things had gotten far better over the last month. Sirius was a wonderful boyfriend and I could see that he was, well, serious about things. Lily's pregnancy had been a surprise of course but it was a pleasant surprise. We would, however, have to think about rearrangements. Lily would move in the Potters but although they had a huge house it would not be big enough for James' parents, James, Lily, the baby and Sirius and Sirius himself had already said that he did not want to life with a freshly married couple and a baby which meant that he would have to find something of his own. During the previous month he had practically lived with me and I had the hope that maybe we could find something together but I was still hesitant to suggest something like that; I was scared of moving too fast.

»Remus? «, I turned around. Sirius stood in the door and looked at me with slight concern. »Are you alright? «, he came closer. I closed the gap between us and placed a kiss on his lips.

»Yes. «, I said and I meant it.

 **James**

Nervously, I paced the room. Sirius lay on the bed, eyes closed. I did not understand how he could be so calm, but then again, he was not the one getting married.

»And you're sure everything will be ready? «, I asked for the hundredth time.

»Yes James. Everything will be perfect. «, Sirius answered. I nodded and continued pacing. Someone knocked at the door.

»Come in. «, I called. It was my parents.

»Oh James, you look wonderful! «, my mum called out and kissed me.

»Handsome son. Handsome. «, said my dad. They looked happy and I was glad that they had gotten over the first shock of the news so quickly. Lily and I had announced the news of the baby and our marriage right at the next day and my parents had had a lot of doubts at first but now they just seemed happy. Lily's family had been trickier. Her parents had announced their unconditional support but the rest did not approve of me. They thought because the Potters had money they were heartless and lazy, they thought that I had deliberately knocked Lily up to make her dependent on me. I did not care for their opinions, Lily, however, was worried. She loved her family and she wanted everyone to be happy. She was possibly even more nervous than I was.

»Let's go down. It's time. «, Sirius said with a glance on his watch. I nodded and we went downstairs. «

 **Lily**

I stood in front of the mirror and watched myself critically. The dress was gorgeous but still…I frowned.

»Lily stop frowning, you look amazing. «, Remus said from behind. I looked at him in the mirror and smiled. He smiled back. He seemed much happier now that he and Sirius were a couple. They spent all their time together and I really hoped that, once Sirius moved out of the Potter's Mansion, they would move in together.

»What time is it? «, I asked.

»Ten to three. We can go as soon as you're ready. «

»I'm ready. «

»Let's go, then. «

We left the room. Outside were my parents already waiting.

»Wow. You are so beautiful. «, said my mum. She had tears in her eyes.

My dad simply smiled at me and kissed my forehead. We left the house together.

The ceremony was simple. Neither James nor I had wanted much of a fuss. It was just our families and close friends. I looked around. My parents and Petunia were there. Tunia's boyfriend Vernon and my grandparents. Then, James parents, Remus, Sirius, Peter, Marlene, Dorcas and Frank and Alice. I had invited Severus as well although I had known that he would not come. The ceremony started. I walked down the aisle with my father by my side and I couldn't stop grinning. James looked even more sexy than usually although his hair was still a mess. He grinned back at me. The priest began but just when James was about to give me the ring the doors opened. I turned my head and saw –

»Sev. «, I whispered. All eyes were on him as he came closer. He stopped only a few steps away from me. I saw James tensing up but he restrained himself. I was grateful for that. Only now I saw that Severus looked awful. His lip was split and he had a black eye.

»Lily. «, he said. His voice was loud and clear. »Potter. Lily, I thank you for the invitation and I'm sorry that I couldn't make it sooner. I loved you since the first day I saw you but I made the wrong decisions. I'm not here to keep you from your luck. I'm sure Potter can offer you the things I would have never been able to give to you. I'm here to tell you that I'm happy for you. I'm here to apologize. I would want to be your friend again, like we used to be. «, he made one last step and kissed me on the cheek. Then he turned around and left again. Everything was quite. It seemed like everyone was holding their breath. The priest cleared his throat. »Mr. Potter. «, he said and gestured towards the ring in James' hands.

The rest of the ceremony went without interruption and an hour later I could proudly call myself Mrs. Potter and we all went to the after – party.

 **Sirius**

I had a plan. For the first time in my life, it felt, I actually had a plan. The ceremony had been nice. Lily had looked dashing, James dead smart and Snape had caused the necessary excitement. Now it was almost midnight, everyone was slightly drunk and in a very good mood. I looked at Remus. The last month had been a dream. A wonderful, sweet, perfect dream and I never wanted to wake up again. I stood up and went to the middle of the dancefloor, then I gave James a nod. He turned down the music and everyone looked around in confusion.

»Sorry everyone! «, I called out and all eyes were on me. I could see Remus frowning. »I want to make an announcement! This has been a wonderful wedding. James has always been my best mate. More than that, even. James is my brother and I can't say how happy and at the same time how sad I am to let him go but I feel that Lily will do a great job in handling him. «, there were a few laughter and I felt a bit more confident. »Let me tell you of the first time James and I met. We were eight and both insufferable little gits. We still are. I was a Black and I had been raised to dislike the Potters. So when I had seen James the first time I had punched him in the face. He had punched back and we had both gotten detention. It was the first in a long line of detentions but it was also the beginning of the best friendship I could ever wish for. James is a great man. Sometimes he's a bit daff. Most times he's absolutely obnoxious but I love him just the same. He showed me that family is not blood. That loyalty and love count more than names and money. That you should never be ashamed of who you are. I can't even say how many times James has saved my arse. How many time he has kicked my arse because I was acting like a twat. I'm grateful. I'm grateful because I have a friend like this. I'm grateful because he would trust me with his life. I'm grateful because he asked me to be the godfather of their child. I'm grateful because without him, I wouldn't be standing here today. Thank you so much. «. I raised my glass and I saw a single tear running down James' face. I smiled. He smiled back and raised a single eyebrow. I swallowed. The plan. Right. »There's one last thing! «, I said and everything went quite again. »Thanks to James I also found the love of my life. If he hadn't fallen into that damn river, he would have never ended up in hospital and I would have never met Remus Lupin here. « I saw Remus blushing and winked at him. »He, too, is an exceptional man. He's probably the strongest and bravest man I know and I really have no idea what I did to deserve something like that. Remus, I have already said it but I will say it again and again and again; you are perfect. The way you handle your life is exceptional and I don't know how you do it. I wouldn't have the strength to get out of bed every single day when you've got chains around your angles. I wouldn't even have the courage to go to bed because I would be scared that the monsters came out at night to get me but you…you can do all that and still be the most loving, most sensitive person on earth. I love you, Remus and that is why I want to spent the rest of my life with you. «, while speaking I had slowly walked up to my boyfriend who stood there and stared at me with a very strange expression on his face. I got down in my knee and I heard people gasping. »Remus John Lupin. «, I said. Remus' lips curled into a smile that said 'you have absolutely lost your mind', »Will you do me the honor of becoming my husband? «. I looked up and saw an incredulous but also blissful grin. »Why, of course Mr. Black. «, he said, took my hand and pulled me up to give me a very passionate kiss and I felt a little bit sorry for the people watching because this was definitely more affection than appropriate in public. But only a little bit.


End file.
